POPSUGAR Must Have Subscription Box – May 2013 reveal

So, my May 2013 PopSugar subscription box arrived in the mail on Tuesday.  I went to open it and my husband informed me that scissors were not needed.  Apparently, "someone" had already opened it.  *side eye*

Anyway, the following items came in the box:

The first item in the box was a little PopSugar tote.  I could care less if this was in there or not, but will find some use for it.  I never can have enough bags. I'll probably use it for toting my lunch (or heels) to work each morning. 

The next item was the Giselle Mid Brim hat by Kooringal ($27.99).  This is something I would've never thought to buy myself, but it is actually quite nice (and cool). I think I can wear it when I brake out the black, Dolce & Gabanna one-piece this summer. :-)

Next up was the Modern Margarita set by The Modern Cocktail ($7.99).  I'm not a huge drinker, but this is cool and we will bring these out for the next social (house) event we throw or attend.....assuming it's not church related. 😬 Basically, all you need is the crushed ice and alcohol. Everything else is included in these little bottles. I guess you can also go non-alcoholic and just add the crushed ice. 

I then opened the Pacifica Color Quench Lip Tint in Guava Berry ($7.00).  I guess lip balm/gloss is something you can never have too much of. I'm a lip treatment fiend, so this is alright with me. 

The next item was a Beauty Blender and some Blender Cleanser!!! ($23.95).  I don't really know how to use a beauty blender and I don't really wear that much makeup, but I'll figure it out. This morning, I used it to apply my Garnier Fructis BB Cream. Is that wrong?  😕

I also received a bag of Sweet Potato Tortilla Chips from Way Better Snacks ($1.17).  I enjoy a good snack, but I gave these away to my husband. I'm more of a cookies and candy-type person and he loves chips.....especially unique ones. By the way, these were gluten-free. They gave us a gluten-free item (candy bar) in our box last month too. Do I sense a trend?

Next up were these conversation cards made by Mindy Kaling - Questions I Ask When I Want to Talk About Myself ($13.45). I could've done without these, but I'll find some use for them at one of our future get togethers. Basically, a topic is on the front of the card. Mindy tells a witty story about her experience on the topic and discussion questions on that topic are asked on the back card.  It could be about your crush, what you consider fat, awkward dates, etc. etc.

  

The last item was a $30 gift card to Charm & Chain.  I was excited to see that a) it was a legit gift card with no minimum purchase requirement, and b) there were items for less than $30, so you could use this and only pay shipping if you wanted to.  I haven't used it yet, but will. I'll update everyone, once I decide what to get. 

Value: This box was worth $111.55.  PopSugar promises that the boxes will be worth $100, so they are right on track assuming that you are willing to spend more money to get the jewelry. 

By the way, I was a little lazy this month and am posting other people's pics off the web instead of my own. Next time, I'll be taking my own pics of me using/holding the product and/or maybe I'll do a Vlog of me opening the box and trying things out. Who knows!

Can't wait until I get my very first CurlKit box in June. :-)

 

PRODUCT REVIEW

Two months ago, I received a pair of bright orange Hanky Panky thongs in my Must Have box.  If anyone knows me, they know that the one thing I dislike are tiny panties.  Ever since High School, my sister and best friend would tease me because of my preference for 'granny panties.'  When low cut jeans became the dominant style, I switched to full-coverage bikinis and boy cuts.  I hate cheekys and I hate thongs.  I do tolerate g-strings on occasion, but it's very rare....probably no more than 5 times a year.  I hate things sticking up my butt and I hate panties that are made to easily cause wedgies.....and I'm not a fan of panties that make my butt look even bigger than it already is.

Soooo......you can imagine my disappointment when I received these expensive thongs in my POPSUGAR Must Have box.  It was my intention to give them away to my sister or my niece, but I happened to pack two outfits with a touch of bright orange in them to Jamaica.  Being that I like wearing panties that match my clothes, I decided to deal. 

Well.....those Hanky Panky thongs were the most comfortable panties ever.  Even more comfortable than some of my full coverage undies.  I was shocked.  Another thing that I'm not a fan of is lace touching my skin.  It makes me itch.....but these.......so soft.  So, go out there and get you some Hanky Pankys.  I think I got a coupon in my box to go along with the panties, so if it hasn't expired, I'll be doing the same.  Otherwise......I'll be waiting to get some more as a gift (hint, hint).

Another thing.....They look pretty too!  Something about the shape of them are very complimenting.

How to Texlax Your Hair: Simple Texlaxing Techniques and Tips

Here is another article I found on Yahoo Voices.....for those who want more detail on how you would go about texlaxing your hair.  I used techniques #3, 4 & 5 during my first texlax.  However, I think I will use #1 & 2 the next time I relax.  I didn't realize that the sensitive scalp formulas were a little weaker or took longer to process.....so, if they don't have mild, I'll get the sensitive scalp version.  I felt that too much of my hair reverted with my last texlax, so I will get it processed a little more this time, by allowing them to do atleast a little smoothing.

 

How to Texlax Your Hair: Simple Texlaxing Techniques and Tips

• Published: Mon January 4th, 2010
• By: Audrey Davis-Sivasothy
• Category: Beauty

Properly "texlaxing," or gently underprocessing, your hair is an art. But done correctly, texlaxing can be extremely beneficial to your hair. This article will describe techniques for "texlaxing" your hair to perfection every single time.

What is Texlaxing?

"Texlaxed" hair is a term that was coined in the Internet hair world to describe a hair texture that falls between texturized curls and chemically relaxed, straight hair. "Texlaxing" is the intentional underprocessing of hair with a relaxer chemical, and is typically done to create volume, body, and texture in relaxed hair.

Popular Texlaxing Methods

There are many methods for texlaxing the hair, and most center around reducing initial disulfide bond breakage in the hair fiber. Disulfide bonds are the bonds that cause our hair to have a naturally curly, or kinky texture. Breaking these bonds prepares them for straightening in the smoothing stage of the relaxer. An alternative texlaxing method involves simply skipping the official disulfide bond straightening process. Texlaxing methods can be used alone or in combination to achieve various degrees of textured, relaxed hair results.

1.) Downgrading your relaxer

Reducing disulfide bond breakage by downgrading the strength of your relaxer is the easiest method for texlaxing the hair. Reducing your relaxer strength from a super or regular formula to a mild or sensitive scalp formula (or even going from lye to no-lye) will increase the amount of time required for full processing. This will give you more time to quickly apply your relaxer, and then rinse before enough bond breakage has occurred to really straighten the hair.

2.) Diluting your relaxer

Similar to downgrading the actual relaxer formula strength, adding oils or conditioner to your relaxer formula also decreases the strength of the relaxer and increases the processing window. This texlaxing dilution method also works by reducing the viscosity (thickness) of the relaxer crème. The relaxer crème's thick, pasty consistency helps the hair remain fairly straight after the disulfide bonds have been broken during chemical application. Oils and conditioners reduce this straightening power by making the crème less thick so that the curls are not weighed down and flattened as easily by the relaxer. If you decide to add oil to your relaxer, add a little at a time and check the consistency of your formula. Do not make the formula too runny or soupy; some thickness is desired! I find that around 1/4 cup of oil works well with a small, single use relaxer tub. Also avoid using essential oils (like peppermint and rosemary) in the relaxer-- you don't want anything tingling or stimulating your scalp while the relaxer is there nearby.

Another variation of relaxer dilution can be done with no-lye relaxer formulas where a separate activator must be added to the relaxer crème. Adding only 3/4 or 1/2 of the activator to the formula automatically reduces the relaxer's strength. Remember, no-lye relaxers are inert (not active) and cannot work on the hair until they are mixed. Portions of the relaxer that are not mixed with activator will not process you.

3.) Putting up a Barrier

Applying a thick cream or oil barrier to the hair prior to relaxing will protect it from damage and slow down the action of the relaxer. By slowing the relaxer down with a heavy, protective base, you can still relax your hair for the normal suggested time period for your hair type without fully straightening the hair. Reducing relaxer contact with the hair reduces overall bond breakage and helps the hair maintain a little extra texture. Basing the scalp should be done anyway with a relaxer, but applying a little extra to the scalp AND new growth will give you extra protection and time to process.

4.) Decreasing Relaxer Contact

One of the easiest methods for texlaxing the hair is simply decreasing the relaxer's contact with your hair. Simple reduce your processing time! This method works when all other texlaxing methods fail. In fact, this method is perhaps the number one cause of unintentional texlaxing and underprocessing. It is how I stumbled upon the idea of leaving texture behind in my own hair! Processing the hair for a time less than the recommended time will always texlax your hair.

5.) Skipping Disulfide Bond Straightening

Contrary to popular belief, hair straightening does not begin and end with the application of the relaxer. The relaxer chemical simply breaks your hair's disulfide bonds; the smoothing step is where your hair and its bonds are straightened into their new, permanent position. So a texlaxing method that takes advantage of this concept would simply involve you applying the chemical relaxer, and allowing it to process without physically manipulating (smoothing) the hair into place. Skipping the smoothing step of the relaxer application prevents the disulfide bonds from fully straightening into a new, permanently straight bond orientation.

My Personal Texlaxing Method

My personal texlaxing method is a combination of methods 1, 2, and 3. I use a basic sensitive scalp relaxer (Mizani) that is diluted with 1/4 of a cup of oil (olive or almond oil). I also heavily base my scalp, as well as the entire length of my hair-- from root to tip. I process my relaxer for the normal amount of time for my hair type which is usually 10-12 minutes or so. Since I know I am working with a thick vaseline buffer and diluted relaxer, I do not fret if I accidentally go over my time. I also smooth my hair to what appears to be 100% straightness as a final step.

Final Notes:

An entire head of texlaxed hair takes years to grow in. You will notice the difference between your bone straight hair and texlaxed hair on wash day-- because your texlaxed hair will appear fuller against your thin, bone straight ends. Texlaxed texture is best seen on air-dried hair. If you ever grow tired of the texlaxed results, in mostcases* a corrective relaxer can set you straight. * I've heard of many cases where those who used no-lye relaxers had a harder time correcting the underprocessing than sisters who used lye relaxers. That is something to keep in mind.

Finally, remember-- texlaxed results may not be apparent immediately after your relaxer. Many times, several washings and conditionings are required to reveal your level of texture. An explanation of why this occurs can be found in this article: The Beginner's Guide to Texlaxing.

Hair Update and The Beginner's Guide to Texlaxing

Hair Update and The Beginner's Guide to Texlaxing

 

Welcome to This is me…..Then!  If you like what you see, subscribe here for free updates, or you can “like” my Facebook page here and receive new posts in your news stream.  Once you like my page, you can choose to see posts in your newsfeed first or receive a notification for each post made.  Thanks for visiting!  This post may contain affiliate links.

 

For those of you who have been following my hair journey, you already know that I had been without a relaxer for almost 6-months due to pregnancy and then decided that I liked my natural texture, but not enough to continue to go completely natural.  Because I have basically been getting relaxers since I was 9 years old and always got retouches every 6-8 weeks, I only noticed the untameable attributes of my hair.  Having 6 months of new growth let me see that my natural hair was a bit unruly, but also very curly and kind of pretty.  While researching how to treat my transitioning hair during my 6-month journey, I learned of a term called "texlaxing."

Once I was free to go back to getting relaxers, I decided, instead, to texlax my hair.  I considered this my happy medium.  I am posting a beginners guide to texlaxing that I found online at Yahoo Voices.

 

Before reading the below article, I think it makes sense to give you an update on my hair, which will explain why I am looking for further explanations on texlaxing in the first place. 

 

So, I went to the salon in early April with loads of product on my hair.  I found an old hair protectant gel under my sink in the bathroom that came with a relaxer kit I brought a long time ago.  It was supposed to protect previously relaxed hair from being re-processed, while you were relaxing your ends.  After basing my scalp with hair grease, I applied this protectant on my previously relaxed hair and my 5-6 months of new growth.  When I went to the salon, I asked for a mild relaxer.  Since they didn't have this available (I was getting a Mizani relaxer), I explained to the hairdresser that I did not want bone straight hair and would like her to put the relaxer in and wash it out shortly after.

 

The results, as far as I was concerned, were perfect.  My hair had a slight wave when the relaxer was washed out, but it easily straightened with the roller set and root blow out that I got.  We went to Jamaica the following week and I noticed that when my hair got wet for the first time (at Dunns River Falls), it curled up and stuck up all over my head.  I thought it was a very pretty curl pattern (which excited me), but didn't want to look like a scarecrow, so I slicked it down with some more water and put placed a headband on top.  When we returned from Jamaica and I washed my hair for the first time, my roots were even more curly and the middle of the back of my hair was basically reverted to it's natural state. :-/  On top of that, I would have short strands of hair all over the bathroom floor whenever I combed my hair.....even when I used my fingers or a shower/wide-toothed comb.  I mention short strands because I want to make a distinction between natural hair shedding and breakage.  My hair is not extremely long, but close to armpit length.  There is a big difference, in length, of the hairs that would be on the floor if my hair was shedding vs. if it was breaking.  One week I did a protein deep conditioning treatment to strengthen my hair and the next week I did a deep moisturizing conditioning treatment to combat any breakage from dryness.  Still my hair continues to break. 

 

Anyway, one of my BFFs transitioned to natural hair many years ago and she suggested that since I was not willing to do the Big Chop (where I cut off all my relaxed ends and start fresh) that maybe I should start wearing my hair straight until I get this breakage under control.  She suggested that the difference in textures is likely causing my hair to break.  While I think she's right and I'm probably going to have to get my hair done for a little while (or get braids or a weave), I also decided to do some research on Texlaxing and try to learn more about the process and what happens when you transition into texlaxed hair.

 

• The Beginner's Guide to Texlaxing
• Published: Tue November 24th, 2009
• By: Audrey Davis-Sivasothy
• Category: Beauty

Do you want more body, texture, and volume with your relaxed hair look? Are you tired of dry, flat, lifeless relaxed hair that continues to break? Consider "texlaxing" your hair!

What is Texlaxing?

"Texlaxing" is a term that was coined on internet hair care forums to describe a relaxer service that is intentionally allowed to underprocess in order to create volume and texture in the hair strands. The word "texlax" is a cross between two very real chemical services: texturizing and chemically relaxing. Texlaxing simply represents a point of middle ground between the two chemical services.

What's the Difference: Texturizing, Relaxing, Texlaxing?

Texturizer: A texturizer is a chemical process that is formulated to loosen the natural curls and kinks of textured hair types. Texturizers are typically done by individuals who wish to wear their hair curly a majority of the time, but prefer a looser, defined curly look.

Relaxer: A relaxer completely straightens the kinks and curls in textured hair. It's typically worn by those who wish to wear straighter hair styles on a regular basis.

Texlaxed Hair: Texlaxed hair straddles the fence between the two services and offers the best of both worlds. It is, essentially, an underprocessed relaxer. Depending on the degree of relaxer underprocessing one chooses, texlaxed hair can allow much of the original texture and curl to remain in the hair while still allowing it to straighten easily to near stick straightness. Though this textured looking result is achieved with a straightening relaxer, the underprocessed hair often looks similar to texturized hair-- hence the term "texlaxed."

It is often very difficult to differentiate between texlaxed and relaxed hair if the hair is heat styled, and depending on the level of underprocessing--texlaxed hair and texturized hair when airdried. Texlaxed hair shows its texture best when the hair is airdried and unmanipulated after a wash.

Why Should you Texlax Your Hair?

Texlaxing Improves Thickness and Elasticity:

Texlaxing your hair can be extremely beneficial. For one, by allowing a bit of natural texture to remain in the hair, texlaxing is able to drastically improve the thickness of the hair. No more limp, lifeless bone-straight hair. Texlaxing also helps the hair retain its elasticity so that it can resist breakage. Overall, and barring any additional strain or processing, texlaxed hair is a healthier head of hair!

Texlaxing Reduces Bond Breakage:

Texlaxing reduces the number of broken protein and disulfide bonds in the hair. These intact disulfide and protein linkages are directly responsible for the hair's natural strength because less bond breakage means stronger hair.

Texlaxed Hair Tolerates Color Better:

Texlaxed hair is also better conditioned to tolerate hair color than fully relaxed hair. Permanent hair coloring and relaxing can greatly damage the cuticle and inner layers of the hair, but since texlaxed hair is "partially or slightly" relaxed hair, there is less overall assault on the hair fiber. Simply put, hair fairs better when it is colored as texlaxed hair versus fully relaxed hair.

Texlaxing is a Safety Net:

Texlaxing the hair provides a buffer against overprocessing a relaxer. Even if you slip up and allow your relaxer to process a bit longer than it should, you've got extra, intact hair bonds on your side!

Considerations

After relaxing your hair, your texlaxed hair results may not be apparent at first. Some hair properties, like texture, take a few washes to bring out because of the various levels of deep bond breakage that take place during a relaxer. Texlaxed hair may appear almost bone straight and even limp and flat immediately after a relaxer, but replacing your lost/broken hydrogen bonds through washing and deep conditioning will return some of the original thickness and texture.

I hear it (and have said it myself!) so many times, "My hair is better 2-3 days after the relaxer... after I wash it." (This hair phenomenon of delayed texture appearance is exactly where the saying "washing out a relaxer" comes from! Hair appears straight, but after a few washes the hair appears to revert or thicken.) Remember-- You cannot wash out a relaxer-any disulfide bonds broken by your relaxer are broken forever. But hydrogen bonds in the hair, however, can be reformed. These are the bonds we rely on for our "sets" and are affected by wetting and drying the hair. Texlaxing the hair disturbs fewer hair bonds all around.

Texlaxing is not for everyone. Before texlaxing your hair, decide on the level of texture you wish to maintain. Allowing too much texture to remain when you are used to dealing with much straighter hair can cause manageability problems which can lead to breakage. On the other hand, fully processing the relaxer defeats the purpose of texlaxing. A happy medium should be sought.

Some individuals also experience uneven textures, dryness, and shedding when they texlax their hair. Each person is different, and will have a different experience with this procedure. For a vast majority however, including myself, texlaxing is one of the best things they've ever done for their hair.

 

* In my experience, the two best relaxers to use for texlaxing are Mizani and ORS.  Details on the two types of relaxers I have used can be found in the links below.

MIZANI Sensitive Scalp Rhelaxer

ORS Olive Oil No Lye Relaxer For Normal Hair

Subscription Boxes

I am still on this crazy hair journey (I fear that I may have some setbacks fairly soon), but my new obsession is subscription boxes. I want them all!

I have been subscribing to POPSUGAR 's MUST HAVE monthly subscription boxes since December 2012 and have recently subscribed to CURLKIT. 

I have even decided to create a personalized box for my husband each month. :-)

Going forward, I will be revealing what I have received in my subscription boxes each month. The items I want, I will keep and the items I don't want, I will gift, trade, auction or sell off. I have a few items from months past that I still need to get rid of, which I plan to post on eBay at some point soon. 

Descriptions of each subscription box is listed below:

POPSUGAR MUST HAVE BOX

https://musthave.popsugar.com/

Monthly - $35

• Hand-selected items in beauty, fashion, home, fitness, and food
• Full-size products and premium items

CURLKIT BOX

www.curlkitshop.com

Monthly - $20

Each month, CurlKit sends out a selection of 6-9 samples that their team of online experts, researches and even tries themselves. In each CurlKit you'll receive everything from pomades and conditioners to natural hair tools, from well-known brands as well as emerging gems.

I have many more boxes that I want to subscribe to, but I've decided to limit myself to two for now. Maybe I'll increase the amount in the future or replace one with another. My ultimate preference is to have a subscription box crew who all subscribes to different boxes. This way, we can all make our reveal each month and trade items that may be useful for some, but not useful for others. So basically, we could have a subscription box item swap each month. 

EVENTS: Africans In India Exhibit at The Shomburg Center in Harlem

Africans In India: From Slaves to Generals and Rulers

Now through Thursday, July 18, 2013

Program Locations:

Schomburg Center for Research in Black Culture, Latimer/Edison Gallery (Map and directions)

Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
10:00 AM - 6:00 PM	10:00 AM - 6:00 PM	10:00 AM - 6:00 PM	10:00 AM - 6:00 PM	10:00 AM - 6:00 PM	10:00 AM - 6:00 PM	CLOSED

Partially accessible to wheelchairs

Extended!

Over the centuries, East Africans have greatly distinguished themselves in India as generals, commanders, admirals, architects, prime ministers, and rulers. They have written a story unparalleled in the rest of the world: that of enslaved Africans attaining the pinnacle of military and political authority.

Known as Habshis (Abyssinians) and Sidis, they have left an impressive historical and architectural legacy that attest to their determination, skills, and intellectual, cultural, military and political savvy.

This exhibition, the first of its kind, retraces—in over 100 photographic reproductions of paintings and contemporary photographs—the lives and achievements of a few of the many talented and prominent Sidis of yesterday.

Curated by Dr. Sylviane A. Diouf and Dr. Kenneth X. Robbins.

For more information on Africans in India, visit the online exhibition The African Diaspora in the Indian Ocean World.

My Hair Journey - 2013

I have a new obsession.  My hair.

 

While I was pregnant, I stopped getting relaxers.  I expected to go completely crazy trying to get my hair under control.  However, I came to a whole new discovery.  My discovery was that I have really nice natural hair.  Not the 'white' or 'slave mentality' definition of nice hair, but what I consider nice. Thick and healthy and tightly curled......like really curly hair.

 

Anyway, during this time, I started researching ways to control and take care of my natural hair.....thus my obsession began.  Apparently, there is a whole community of African-American hair aficionados out there that have mastered natural, relaxed and texlaxed hair care.  They often do a big hair chop and then go on what they call a 'hair journey.'  Two years later, they have hair down there backs and in some cases it's down to their waist....and it's thick and healthy.

 

So, knowing that I have these preconceived 'age laws' that I have about hair that includes not wearing long hair past the age of 40 and not allowing your gray to show until you turn 50, I have decided that I only have a few years left to go on a hair growth journey.  Of course, I will always want healthy hair at any age, but once I'm 40, I really don't think it will be appropriate for me to have hair past my shoulders.  So......I really need to get a move on it.

 

First, I have decided to stop getting bone straight relaxers and begin under processing my hair into a texlax stage.  This will, over time, allow me to wear my hair straight when I want and also be able to wear it curly when the mood hits me.  It will also allow my hair to be healthier, thicker and stronger, as well as making it easier for my hair to take color.  Since little grays are sprouting up in various places in my hair, color will be very important for the next decade and a half.  I am also going to stretch my relaxers to no more than 4 times per year.....so basically, I will only be getting a relaxer once a quarter.  I used to get relaxers every 6-8 weeks.  I leave for Jamaica next Wednesday, so will be getting a texlax (or mild relaxer) tomorrow.  My hair's in pretty good condition, so I don't think I need to do a big chop, but if a trim is needed, I will get it.

 

Thus, tomorrow begins my hair journey.  :-D

 

My hair regimen will be as follows for the remainder of 2013.  I will evaluate and modify it at the end of the year, if necessary.

 

Daily

- moisturize and seal nightly

- wear protective and/or low manipulation styles on hair

- wear a silk or satin scarf/bonnet on hair or sleep on a silk or satin pillow case

 

Weekly/Bi-weekly 

- oil and massage scalp

- pre-poo hair

- Wash hair with a moisturizing shampoo

- Deep condition hair with a moisturizing conditioner

- apply leave-in conditioner

- air-dry hair (using scarf method or natural styles) or roller-set hair (using heat protectant and only blowing the roots)

 

Monthly

- direct heat will only be used on my hair once a month and/or on special occasions/events

 

Quarterly

- protein treatment 2 weeks before texlax

- light or mild relaxer (texlax)

- clip damaged ends and dust ends, where needed

- protein treatment 2 weeks after texlax

 

Semi-Annually

- Get ends trimmed

 

Annually

- reevaluate hair regimen

 

 

* A texlax can be performed in a variety of ways.

  - quickly put a normal relaxer in hair and rinse out within half the time recommended

  - add natural oils into your relaxer to slow down the relaxing process

  - add protective oils/gel directly to your new growth and remaining hair to slow down relaxing process

  - use a mild relaxer (assuming you have coarse hair)

I'm not saying it.  She is!

 

There was a new show that came on after The Voice on Tuesday night, called "Ready for Love."  Ready for Love  is a new reality show, where 3 guys are in search for love with the help of 3 matchmakers.  I really wasn't interested in the show, but since nothing else was on at the time, my husband and I watched.  On this night, Tim, the lead singer of the Plain White T's rock group was the focus.  Of the many females that was vying for Tim's attention, one of the girls was a 'friend' from his past that has secretly loved him and decided to audition for the show when she found out that he would be the main prospect.  While she was able to get through the initial filtering process, she was gone by the end of the night.  He eliminated her.  Although she didn't completely admit this, it was obvious that they were a little more than friends....they were more like friends with benefits.  However, Tim was clearly interested in more at this stage in his life and this 'friend' of his was clearly not what he was looking for.

 

Leah (the 'friend') was definitely one of the more attractive girls on the show, had a career and seemed to be well spoken.  The fact that they have been friends for many years tells me that she had a pretty decent personality.  However, Tim was not interested.  Why?  What makes a girl marriage material for a guy?  Sure, lots of girls feel that they are marriage material, but many of these same women can't get a man/husband to save their lives. 

 

Well, according to one of the matchmakers on the show, Tracy McMillan, there are definitely reasons why these women are not married.....and it's not the fault of the man.  The below article was written by Tracy McMillan and entitled, "Why You're Not Married."  She has also written a book of a similar title called, "Why You're Not Married....Yet: The straight talk you need to get the relationship you deserve." 

 

While I am clearly married, I still have interest in reading this book.  My focus will be on making sure that I strengthen those weaker characteristics that I may have, so that my husband doesn't feel regret for marrying me.  I'm constantly trying to improve in all aspects of my life and they always say that how you get them is how you keep them, so...... I take all things into consideration, including to maintain the characteristics that made/makes me the material that a guy (the right guy) has no choice but to put a ring on it.

 

Unrelated SideNote Alert: I was watching "The Talk" the other day and one of the hosts, Aisha Tyler mentioned the mantra she believes about her husband/marriage, which I decided was my manta, as well.  All females before me were a mistake and any after me are a downgrade.  Hahaha!  This is so true.....I really feel this way. 

 

Why You're Not Married

You want to get married. It's taken a while to admit it. Saying it out loud -- even in your mind -- feels kind of desperate, kind of unfeminist, kind of definitely not you, or at least not any you that you recognize. Because you're hardly like those girls on TLC saying yes to the dress and you would never compete for a man like those poor actress-wannabes on The Bachelor.

You've never dreamt of an aqua-blue ring box.

Then, something happened. Another birthday, maybe. A breakup. Your brother's wedding. His wife-elect asked you to be a bridesmaid, and suddenly there you were, wondering how in hell you came to be 36-years-old, walking down the aisle wearing something halfway decent from J. Crew that you could totally repurpose with a cute pair of boots and a jean jacket. You started to hate the bride -- she was so effing happy -- and for the first time ever you began to have feelings about the fact that you're not married. You never really cared that much before. But suddenly (it was so sudden) you found yourself wondering... Deep, deep breath... Why you're not married.

Well, I know why.

How? It basically comes down to this: I've been married three times. Yes, three. To a very nice mba at 19; a very nice minister's son at 32 (and pregnant); and at 40, to a very nice liar and cheater who was just like my dad, if my dad had gone to Harvard instead of doing multiple stints in federal prison.

I was, for some reason, born knowing how to get married. Growing up in foster care is a big part of it. The need for security made me look for very specific traits in the men I dated -- traits it turns out lead to marriage a surprisingly high percentage of the time. Without really trying to, I've become a sort of jailhouse lawyer of relationships -- someone who's had to do so much work on her own case that I can now help you with yours.

But I won't lie. The problem is not men, it's you. Sure, there are lame men out there, but they're not really standing in your way. Because the fact is -- if whatever you're doing right now was going to get you married, you'd already have a ring on. So without further ado, let's look at the top six reasons why you're not married.

1. You're a Bitch.
Here's what I mean by bitch. I mean you're angry. You probably don't think you're angry. You think you're super smart, or if you've been to a lot of therapy, that you're setting boundaries. But the truth is you're pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it's scaring men off.

The deal is: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them. I am the mother of a 13-year-old boy, which is like living with the single-cell protozoa version of a husband. Here's what my son wants out of life: macaroni and cheese, a video game, and Kim Kardashian. Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian angry? I didn't think so. You've seen Kim Kardashian smile, wiggle, and make a sex tape. Female anger terrifies men. I know it seems unfair that you have to work around a man's fear and insecurity in order to get married -- but actually, it's perfect, since working around a man's fear and insecurity is big part of what you'll be doing as a wife.

2. You're Shallow.
When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really, truly matters: character. So it stands to reason that a man's character should be at the top of the list of things you are looking for, right? But if you're not married, I already know it isn't. Because if you were looking for a man of character, you would have found one by now. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit.

Instead, you are looking for someone tall. Or rich. Or someone who knows what an Eames chair is. Unfortunately, this is not the thinking of a wife. This is the thinking of a teenaged girl. And men of character do not want to marry teenaged girls. Because teenage girls are never happy. And they never feel like cooking, either.

3. You're a Slut.
Hooking up with some guy in a hot tub on a rooftop is fine for the ladies of Jersey Shore -- but they're not trying to get married. You are. Which means, unfortunately, that if you're having sex outside committed relationships, you will have to stop. Why? Because past a certain age, casual sex is like recreational heroin -- it doesn't stay recreational for long.

That's due in part to this thing called oxytocin -- a bonding hormone that is released when a woman a) nurses her baby and b) has an orgasm -- that will totally mess up your casual-sex game. It's why you can be f**k-buddying with some dude who isn't even all that great and the next thing you know, you're totally strung out on him. And you have no idea how it happened. Oxytocin, that's how it happened. And since nature can't discriminate between marriage material and Charlie Sheen, you're going to have to start being way more selective than you are right now.

4. You're a Liar.
It usually goes something like this: you meet a guy who is cute and likes you, but he's not really available for a relationship. He has some condition that absolutely precludes his availability, like he's married, or he gets around town on a skateboard. Or maybe he just comes right out and says something cryptic and open to interpretation like, "I'm not really available for a relationship right now."

You know if you tell him the truth -- that you're ready for marriage -- he will stop calling. Usually that day. And you don't want that. So you just tell him how perfect this is because you only want to have sex for fun! You love having fun sex! And you don't want to get in a relationship at all! You swear!

About ten minutes later, the oxytocin kicks in. You start wanting more. But you don't tell him that. That's your secret -- just between you and 22,000 of your closest girlfriends. Instead, you hang around, having sex with him, waiting for him to figure out that he can't live without you. I have news: he will never "figure" this out. He already knows he can live without you just fine. And so do you. Or you wouldn't be lying to him in the first place.

5. You're Selfish.
If you're not married, chances are you think a lot about you. You think about your thighs, your outfits, your naso-labial folds. You think about your career, or if you don't have one, you think about doing yoga teacher training. Sometimes you think about how marrying a wealthy guy -- or at least a guy with a really, really good job -- would solve all your problems.

Howevs, a good wife, even a halfway decent one, does not spend most of her day thinking about herself. She has too much s**t to do, especially after having kids. This is why you see a lot of celebrity women getting husbands after they adopt. The kids put the woman on notice: Bitch, hello! It's not all about you anymore! After a year or two of thinking about someone other than herself, suddenly, Brad Pitt or Harrison Ford comes along and decides to significantly other her. Which is also to say -- if what you really want is a baby, go get you one. Your husband will be along shortly. Motherhood has a way of weeding out the lotharios.

6. You're Not Good Enough.
Oh, I don't think that. You do. I can tell because you're not looking for a partner who is your equal. No, you want someone better than you are: better looking, better family, better job.

Here is what you need to know: You are enough right this minute. Period. Not understanding this is a major obstacle to getting married, since women who don't know their own worth make terrible wives. Why? You can fake it for a while, but ultimately you won't love your spouse any better than you love yourself. Smart men know this.

I see this at my son's artsy, progressive school. Of 183 kids, maybe six have moms who are as cute as you're trying to be. They're attractive, sure. They're just not objects. Their husbands (wisely) chose them for their character, not their cup size.

Alright, so that's the bad news. The good news is that I believe every woman who wants to can find a great partner. You're just going to need to get rid of the idea that marriage will make you happy. It won't. Once the initial high wears off, you'll just be you, except with twice as much laundry.

Because ultimately, marriage is not about getting something -- it's about giving it. Strangely, men understand this more than we do. Probably because for them marriage involves sacrificing their most treasured possession -- a free-agent penis -- and for us, it's the culmination of a princess fantasy so universal, it built Disneyland.

The bottom line is that marriage is just a long-term opportunity to practice loving someone even when they don't deserve it. Because most of the time, your messy, farting, macaroni-and-cheese eating man will not be doing what you want him to. But as you give him love anyway -- because you have made up your mind to transform yourself into a person who is practicing being kind, deep, virtuous, truthful, giving, and most of all, accepting of your own dear self -- you will find that you will experience the very thing you wanted all along:

Love.

The Mermaid Theory

Some people call it getting "Caught Up."  I refer to it as "The Mermaid Theory."

 

During my 6-week short-term disability stint, I have been able to catch up on loads of television (For the record, I am also getting much needed rest and catching up on household chores, reading, meditating, etc., etc.) that I would normally miss because I'm too busy with work, errands, household chores and my close to 4 hours a day commute.  Yesterday, I was watching back-to-back episodes of 'How I Met Your Mother,' which introduced me to a theory that I always kind of believed in, but never had a name.

The Mermaid Theory provides a reasonable explanation to why an attractive young girl would develop a crush on an otherwise unattractive male, while they are both attending a summer program together in another town where they do not know anyone but each other.

 

The Mermaid Theory provides a reasonable explanation to why a male would become enamored with an unattractive female colleague with decent conversation, but an otherwise repulsive lifestyle that would/could never match his.

 

The Mermaid Theory provides a reasonable explanation to why Bill Clinton had an affair with Monica Lewinsky, why my step dad moved on to the legal secretary at his job and why countless men/women have affairs and become obsessed with less than ideal people of the opposite sex, with which they work with or otherwise come in contact with on a regular basis.

 

The Mermaid Theory is as follows:

 

The Mermaid Theory proves that a chick's hotness – as measured in units of how much you want to bone her – increases in direct proportion to the time exposed to her.  The theory draws its uniquely and incredibly creative nomenclature from the olden days, before airplanes made boats obsolete…

 

Sailors and explorers on particularly long voyages found that manatees – those large blubbery water creatures – would magically morph into beautiful mermaids that said sailors wanted to knock flippers with. Thus, the legend of mermaids was born, straight out of the male mind's unfaltering desire to find something, anything, to stick it to.

For the modern male the theory translates as follows: No matter how hot or unhot a woman is, eventually you will want to sleep with her. The time it takes for this process to occur is the chick's "Mermaid Clock." It starts the first time you lay eyes on a chick* and stops ticking the instant you want to get your jam on.

(Source: http://www.barneystinsonblog.com/how-be-awesome-chapter-83-mermaid-theory/#.UV7uQyafCDE.gmail)

 

In my research on The Mermaid Theory, I also came across another blog that explores the accuracy of The Mermaid Theory.  I actually stole some of my examples from this blog, as well as used this blog as a starting point to come up with some examples of my own.  Think about it.  The Mermaid Theory; is it true?

 

The Mermaid Theory: Is it True?

 August 7, 2011 | Posted by Johnny Sacks

 

If you're a fan of the CBS show How I Met Your Mother, then you know that Barney Stinson, who is famous for his womanizing on the sitcom, has an abundance of social theories, most of which revolve around getting laid.

One of these theories is "The Mermaid Theory." According to Barney, The Mermaid Theory is based off the legend that hundreds of years ago, sailors who were at sea for long periods of time would be so desperate for female companionship that they would see manatees in the water as beautiful mermaids.

In modern day terms, Stinson describes the mermaid theory as so:

Every woman, no matter how initially unattractive, has a clock that represents the time it takes for a man to realize he wants to "bone her." Typically the woman in question is someone close to you that you see on a regular basis. Perhaps it's a co-worker, a friend or a neighbor. Upon your initial meeting, you won't find this woman attractive at all, but over time, slowly but surely, you will want to have sex with her.

So is Barney right about the Mermaid Theory? To a certain extent he is. Certainly if the woman in question weighs 300 pounds and is disgusting in every way imaginable, not even an eternity would be enough to find her attractive. But for plain, slightly below average women (view my hotness scale for reference) this absolutely holds true. Allow me to explain why…

There are three reasons for this. The first reason is availability. Most men aren't close with many women outside of someone they are dating. It's hard for us to meet women. We try to pick up chicks at bars and parties but more often than not we fail miserably. Our success rate is worse than Adam Dunn's batting average. We come up with awful methods for picking up chicks, like hollering at a girl passing by a construction site or beeping the horn at a hot girl jogging. Like Jerry Seinfeld says, sadly these are the best ideas we have. We see these women on an everyday basis and that alone makes them more attractive over time.

The second reason is our imagination. Often times, particularly in a work environment, these mermaids must interact with us on a daily basis. If this woman is the slightest bit friendly, most men we will immediately begin to think she wants to sleep together. I can't really explain this phenomenon but for some reason men think life is like an episode of Mad Men. We think any woman who gives us the time of day is down to fuck.

Once we entertain the idea that having sex with this person is plausible, our imagination goes to work. We start playing out fantasies in our head such as thinking what it would be like to have sex on our desks during a lunch break. The more wild scenarios we can conjure up in our head, the more attractive this woman becomes to us.

The final reason the Mermaid Theory holds true is because of laziness. Men have a lot going on in their lives. We're very busy earning a living and running our fantasy football teams. We don't have the time or the energy to try picking up women. We just want to have sex without having to put out much of an effort. These "mermaids," are our best chances to have sex without going through the hassle of dating first.

To further prove Barney's theory, let me illustrate two real-world examples of the Mermaid Theory in action.

Former U.S. President Bill Clinton is probably most famous for the "sexual relations" he had with a large, unattractive White House intern by the name of Monica Lewinsky. Clinton, as the most powerful man in the world, probably could have had his pick of any woman he wanted but he chose to sleep with a fatty. So why would the Leader of the Free World do this?

Because of The Mermaid Theory of course!

Clinton ended up fooling around with Lewisnky because she was readily available, he didn't have a lot of free time and he fantasized about sticking a cigar up her vagina in the Oval Office.

Our second example involves Steve Phillips. Phillips was a former baseball general manager and an analyst for ESPN. He ruined his entire career by cheating on his wife and having sex with a fat production assistant who was much less attractive than his wife. Once again, The Mermaid Theory was to blame. The production assistant was around often and Phillips probably liked the idea of banging a 22-year old on road trips and couldn't shake that temptation. So he slept with her and lost a nice gig at ESPN in the process.

So as you can see, the Mermaid Theory is indeed true and as men we must be careful when it happens in our life. As you saw in this clip, Marshall took precautions to avoid the Mermaid Theory and so should you. More often than not, having sex with the mermaid will have bad results.

Work-Life Balance

I spent the day at my sister's house on Saturday, while my husband spent the day performing in a gospel play on Saturday.  Among the many topics discussed, we began talking about work-life balance and how I believe that "having it all" does not exist in real life.  This is a very pertinent topic because she is currently in a situations where the demands of work are threatening to take over her life and I am in a situation where I am expecting my very first child in the summer and am trying to figure out how I will be able to balance career, motherhood, wifehood and God.  My belief is that you must prioritize and in prioritizing, something will suffer.  I have strong beliefs about the order by which a person should abide. 

1. God
2. Spouse
3. Childen
4. All Else (ie. family, career, etc. etc.....I think the order of these vary depending on your situation.)

I digress, but my point is that having it all would involve being able to have 100% of the things you want 100% of the time. However, in real life, varying needs of various priorities in your life will cause you to have to sacrifice the other.  There is rarely a win-win situation. 

 

What do you do if there's a career changing opportunity at your job that requires you to work crazy hours, 6 days a week for the next year, but you also have a semi-new marriage and a 1-year old child?

 

You can pass up that great career opportunity and stay in the same or slightly higher position at your job or you can take that opportunity and cause a strain in your marriage and miss all the important landmarks in your 1-year old child's life.  You may still have a job, a spouse and a child, but something is suffering.  Is that having it all?

 

Anywho, the conversation with my sister is not what made me pull out a new entry in my blog post.  This op-ed article in The New York Times did.  Enjoy!

 

---

March 9, 2013

Is There Life After Work?

By ERIN CALLAN

SANIBEL, Fla.

AT an office party in 2005, one of my colleagues asked my then husband what I did on weekends. She knew me as someone with great intensity and energy. "Does she kayak, go rock climbing and then run a half marathon?" she joked. No, he answered simply, "she sleeps." And that was true. When I wasn't catching up on work, I spent my weekends recharging my batteries for the coming week. Work always came first, before my family, friends and marriage — which ended just a few years later.

In recent weeks I have been following with interest the escalating debate about work-life balance and the varying positions of Facebook's Sheryl Sandberg, Marissa Mayer of Yahoo and the academic Anne-Marie Slaughter, among others. Since I resigned my position as chief financial officer of Lehman Brothers in 2008, amid mounting chaos and a cloud of public humiliation only months before the company went bankrupt, I have had ample time to reflect on the decisions I made in balancing (or failing to balance) my job with the rest of my life. The fact that I call it "the rest of my life" gives you an indication where work stood in the pecking order.

I don't have children, so it might seem that my story lacks relevance to the work-life balance debate. Like everyone, though, I did have relationships — a spouse, friends and family — and none of them got the best version of me. They got what was left over.

I didn't start out with the goal of devoting all of myself to my job. It crept in over time. Each year that went by, slight modifications became the new normal. First I spent a half-hour on Sunday organizing my e-mail, to-do list and calendar to make Monday morning easier. Then I was working a few hours on Sunday, then all day. My boundaries slipped away until work was all that was left.

Inevitably, when I left my job, it devastated me. I couldn't just rally and move on. I did not know how to value who I was versus what I did. What I did was who I was.

I have spent several years now living a different version of my life, where I try to apply my energy to my new husband, Anthony, and the people whom I love and care about. But I can't make up for lost time. Most important, although I now have stepchildren, I missed having a child of my own. I am 47 years old, and Anthony and I have been trying in vitro fertilization for several years. We are still hoping.

Sometimes young women tell me they admire what I've done. As they see it, I worked hard for 20 years and can now spend the next 20 focused on other things. But that is not balance. I do not wish that for anyone. Even at the best times in my career, I was never deluded into thinking I had achieved any sort of rational allocation between my life at work and my life outside.

I have often wondered whether I would have been asked to be C.F.O. if I had not worked the way that I did. Until recently, I thought my singular focus on my career was the most powerful ingredient in my success. But I am beginning to realize that I sold myself short. I was talented, intelligent and energetic. It didn't have to be so extreme. Besides, there were diminishing returns to that kind of labor.

I didn't have to be on my BlackBerry from my first moment in the morning to my last moment at night. I didn't have to eat the majority of my meals at my desk. I didn't have to fly overnight to a meeting in Europe on my birthday. I now believe that I could have made it to a similar place with at least some better version of a personal life. Not without sacrifice — I don't think I could have "had it all" — but with somewhat more harmony.

I have also wondered where I would be today if Lehman Brothers hadn't collapsed. In 2007, I did start to have my doubts about the way I was living my life. Or not really living it. But I felt locked in to my career. I had just been asked to be C.F.O. I had a responsibility. Without the crisis, I may never have been strong enough to step away. Perhaps I needed what felt at the time like some of the worst experiences in my life to come to a place where I could be grateful for the life I had. I had to learn to begin to appreciate what was left.

At the end of the day, that is the best guidance I can give. Whatever valuable advice I have about managing a career, I am only now learning how to manage a life.

Erin Callan is the former chief financial officer of Lehman Brothers.