Finding Your Passion in Life (RePost)

Dr. Laura Blog

Finding Your Passion in Life

07/19/2012

If you are bored or not happy in life, the key is having a passion.  If you want to transform your life and feel meaningful on the face of the earth, you need to have a point to your life.  It could be your job, your career, or your hobby, but it needs to be something that you are simply absorbed with.  And I'm not talking about obsessive-compulsive: I'm talking about a passion, something you love doing.

I talk to so many young people in their 20s immersed in some very sad state, going nowhere, and feeling a lot of pain and confusion about life or a relationship.  I typically ask, "What's your dream?"  I'm amazed at how almost 100 percent of the time I get nothing back.  Children are not being brought up anymore to imagine there's a point to their lives and something they are talented at that they need to commit themselves to.  Their job should be to maximize it, respect it, be patient with it, water, fertilize, grow it, and let it bloom.  People who do that are typically not depressed, sad, exhausted, or bored.  There is something about a passion and a purpose that makes people live longer.  When people give up on life, they usually give up on living in a general sense.  So, it's really important you know what your passion is. 

How do you find your passion? 

One cute way is to ask people who know you, "What do you think is my thing?"  A lot of times you will ignore what you have a knack for because you grew up in a family where somebody said it was stupid, or you figure you can't be great at it and you definitely can't make money with it. 

I have a number of passions, and they really save me when bad things happen.  My biggest passion is my radio program.  I've been doing this for a span of 35 years.  I can't imagine not doing it.  Sometimes people say, "Don't you just want to retire so you will be able to do whatever you want to do whenever you want to do it?"  Well, I sort of do that now because my radio program is my biggest passion. 

I feel very fortunate to be able to exercise my biggest passion.  And it was by total accident.  I was off being a scientist when one day, I decided to call into a radio program.  They liked what I had to say so much that I was asked to be on the radio show once a week for a year.  I then decided I ought to know more about what I was talking about so while I was teaching full time, I enrolled in a marriage and family therapy program at USC.  It was then I discovered something I never knew before: I had the ability to hear and put things together in a way which proved valuable in helping people with their problems.  I didn't know I had that in me.  It wouldn't have occurred to me, but I wonder if people who knew me then thought so as well. 

So, I came upon my passion accidentally.  And of course, I've added a million other things, and the crafts I go crazy over.

Additionally, using your passion to contribute to the well-being of others is seemingly simple and not very complicated.  For example, the daughter of my friend who just recently died is going to start a charity association where women who are dealing with cancer can go to beauticians to have their hair and nails done to make them feel better.  It's a small thing, it will never be made into a movie, and most people won't even know about it, but other human beings will be made happier.  I think that's huge.  It's like ripples in the water - if you make one person happy, that in turn affects the people in their own house, and then those people impact others, making them happier.

I found a list of 15 questions that you can ask yourself to help discover your passion and life's purpose:

Simple Instructions:

• Take out a few sheets of loose paper and a pen.

• Find a place where you will not be interrupted. Turn off your cell phone.

• Write the answers to each question down. Write the first thing that pops into your head. Write without editing. Use point form. It's important to write out your answers rather than just thinking about them.

• Write quickly. Give yourself less than 60 seconds a question. Preferably less than 30 seconds.

• Be honest. Nobody will read it. It's important to write without editing.

• Enjoy the moment and smile as you write.

     
15 Questions:     

1. What makes you smile? (Activities, people, events, hobbies, projects, etc.)    
2. What were your favorite things to do in the past? What about now?     
3. What activities make you lose track of time?
4. What makes you feel great about yourself?
5. Who inspires you most? (Anyone you know or do not know. Family, friends, authors, artists, leaders, etc.) Which qualities inspire you, in each person?
6. What are you naturally good at? (Skills, abilities, gifts etc.)
7. What do people typically ask you for help in?
8. If you had to teach something, what would you teach?
9. What would you regret not fully doing, being or having in your life?
10. You are now 90 years old, sitting on a rocking chair outside your porch; you can feel the spring breeze gently brushing against your face. You are blissful and happy, and are pleased with the wonderful life you've been blessed with. Looking back at your life and all that you've achieved and acquired, all the relationships you've developed; what matters to you most? List them out.
11. What are your deepest values?
12. What were some challenges, difficulties and hardships you've overcome or are in the process of overcoming? How did you do it?
13. What causes do you strongly believe in? Connect with?
14. If you could get a message across to a large group of people. Who would those people be? What would your message be?
15. Given your talents, passions and values. How could you use these resources to serve, to help, to contribute? (to people, beings, causes, organization, environment, planet, etc.)

Re: Group Discussion: Re: God's Favor

I'm about a month late in my response, but since my sister keeps harrassing me about it, here it is.  ;-)

  

I think that favor is two-fold.  There is unmerited favor that you get, but may not necessarily deserve, and there is favor that you have gotten based on your actions/faith, etc. (which, still you may or may not deserve).

 

Within these two types of favor, I think there is also an element of how you look at and interpret "favor."

 

I was listening to an advice show online (Dr. Laura) earlier this week and there was a lady (Lisa) on there who had an incredible story.

 

Lisa was born to a prostitute mother and an unknown father.  Her mom tried to abort her, but the abortion clinic would not allow it because she had already had 20 abortions prior.  The lady survived utero (in the belly) beatings by her mom's pimp, but was born healthy.  While Lisa was a baby, her mom abandoned her (and the pimp).  Her mom's pimp left Lisa on the steps of one of his relatives, who didn't really want her but raised her off-and-on until adulthood.  Lisa told stories of how the relative would just put her out on the streets when she didn't feel like being bothered and for much of her teenage years, she was homeless….sleeping in the band room at school or at friend's houses whose parents felt bad for her.

 

In a strange twist of events, Lisa was smart…..very smart….and she found acceptance and validation in teachers who appreciated and praised her hard work.  Lisa graduated salutatorian of her high school class and received scholarships and student loans to go away to college and support herself…..through graduate school.  When she graduated her Master's program, she got a top notch job as an aerospace engineer.  She used the money she earned to get eye surgery (oh yeah…..she was also born, legally blind), get her own house and begin paying off her student loans. 

 

Lisa called the radio show for two reasons.

1)      She was recently put up for a promotion at her job, which required she get a top security clearance from the government.  While all the background checks and tests were being performed, she found out that she had herpes, which she had from birth…..and was the cause of her previous eyesight issues.  She had never had any outbreaks, so never knew she had this until these tests were performed.  Ever since she found this out, all the old memories of her as a baby began flooding back to her and making her depressed.  She didn't know what to do?

2)      While her job as an aerospace engineer was financially rewarding and had done well in making her a more balanced person, Lisa felt that she had a greater calling in life.  She wasn't exactly sure what she wanted to do, but knew it involved helping other people throughout the world to overcome (esp. in 3^rd  world countries) their hardships.  Her issue was that she still had all these outstanding student loans to pay off and wasn't sure what to do or how to transition into a whole new field.

 

Of course, Dr. Laura gave her advice and offered her encouragement and praise, but that is not the point of my story, so I will overlook the advice given.  My point is to use this story to illustrate my point.  Did Lisa have God's favor or was she one of those people left out in the cold?  Lisa had a very, very, very challenging life.  More difficult than any of us have experienced.

 

However, she was alive, had all of her limbs, was intelligent, an overall good person and a survivor.  Isn't that God's favor?  Aren't there people on respirators or people who can't speak or comprehend what's going on around them?  What did Lisa or any of her absentee parents/family do to deserve this favor?  What about those people she wants to help in the 3^rd world countries?  She's way better off than them.  Why was she able to escape those circumstances and be born in America, where she can create her own destiny, per se.? (Unmerited Favor)

 

Given her circumstances, Lisa could have easily given up on life.  She, herself, could have decided to become a prostitute to support herself as a young teen.  She could have drowned her problems with booze and drugs.  However, she chose to work hard and survive.  Had she done some of the aforementioned things, she could be dead now.  She could have AIDS.  She could be in jail or she could be sleeping on the streets.  Instead, she has a good job, a nice home and clear eyesight.  While, things could've turned out differently, her faith and actions helped to put her in a place where her life improved tremendously….and is a lot better than some of the people who were born with a silver spoon in their mouths and parents that pampered them until the very end. (somewhat Merited Favor)

 

The third part of this is the interpretation.  Would you say that Lisa did not have God's favor as a child because she went through all these things or would you say that it was part of God's favor that chose her to go through all of these things, so that she could be used for his glory and have an impact on thousands of people?  Perhaps she wouldn't have gotten as far as she has gotten, if she had grown up in a functional family.  Perhaps she would've been self-centered and not considered others and what they needed.....and no one would be saved.

 

On Mon, Jun 18, 2012 at 3:02 PM, Frankela Albury <girlsgroup2007@gmail.com> wrote:

Hello Group,

 

It's been awhile since we've had an online discussion,but I thought maybe I'd bring up a question to the group.

 

Recently I was having one of my deep thought sessions with myself and I began to tweet.  I asked about God's Favor.

 

It's something we should all be familiar with hearing about especially those of us who grew up in the church.  You've heard people mention how these wonderful things happened for them b/c they have "GOD's FAVOR".

 

So I wonder what exactly is God's Favor?  How is it determined who receives God's favor? Do you think it's luck of the draw? Either you're born with it or not?  Is it reserved for an elite few?  If so, what happens to all the rest of us who don't have the favor of God?  Do we just have to go about life living it however we see fit and just deal with the outcome?

 

I'm curious to know what you guys think of it.

 

Thanks!!

Let the fun begin!!!!

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"Do what you can, with what you have, from where you are."
- Theodore Roosevelt

 

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People might not get all they work for in this world, but they must certainly work for all they get.
  - Frederick Douglass

Guiding Opposite-Sex Friendships in Marriage/Relationships

So, I came across the following questionaire and felt it was interesting.  There have always been questions in my dating relationships and marriage on opposite-sex friends.

I, personally, have had bad/questionable experiences with opposite-sex friendships in my adult life, so typically stay away from any type of friendship (unless it is very surface-level) with people of the opposite sex.  The exception would be if I were single and/or interested in exploring more with the individual.  In that case, I can do what I want.

 

Please note that if you are single and the person of the opposite sex is married or in a relationship, the guidelines still apply. (though the bulk of the responsibility does fall on the committed person to make that distinction to their opposite-sex friend.)

 

Also note that there are some people who have attractions towards the same sex.  In these situations, the opposite-sex rules would apply.

 

 

Questions: Guiding Opposite-Sex Friendships in Marriage

If you have ever wondered whether or not your close opposite-sex friendship poses a potential threat to your marriage take a few moments to answer the questions below. Read each question and then quickly and honestly record the first answer that comes to mind.

1. Is your spouse unaware of your opposite-sex friendship? __Yes __No

2. Would you ever behave differently around your friend if your spouse were present? __Yes __No

3. Would you feel uncomfortable if your spouse had the same quality of friendship with someone of the opposite sex? __Yes __No

4. Do you prefer to spend time alone with your opposite-sex friend rather than in a group setting? __Yes __No

5. Are you physically and/or emotionally attracted to your friend? __Yes __No

6. Is your friend someone you would consider dating if you were single? __Yes __No

7. Have you ever entertained romantic fantasies about your friend? __Yes __No

8. Do you ever compare your spouse to your friend? __Yes __No

9. Do you think about sharing important news with your friend before your spouse? __Yes __No

10. Do you and your friend ever exchange highly personal details about your lives or complain about your marriages to each other? __Yes __No

11. Do you often reference or talk about your friend with others? __Yes __No

12. Has your spouse ever expressed concern about your friendship? __Yes __No

13. Is your relationship with your friend ever a source of tension or conflict between you and your spouse? __Yes __No

14. Have you ever ignored or minimized your spouse's requests to end or modify the relationship with your friend? __Yes __No

15. Have you ever deceived or misled your spouse about matters concerning your friendship? __Yes __No

16. Has anyone other than your spouse ever cautioned you about your opposite-sex friendship? __Yes __No

17. Do you do things with your friend that your spouse is unwilling or uninterested in doing? __Yes __No

18. Does your friend fulfill needs that you wish your spouse would meet? __Yes __No

19. Do you have unexpressed or unresolved anger toward your spouse? __Yes __No

20. Does your marriage lack intimacy? __Yes __No

If you answered, "yes" to one or more of the questions above, your opposite-sex friendship poses a real threat to the quality of your marriage. It may be in the best interest of your marriage to either significantly limit or actually end your close friendship. Be completely honest with yourself and your spouse and pray that God will give you the wisdom, discernment and courage to do what is best!

It is possible for married people to have healthy opposite-sex friendships. However, special consideration must be given to a number of factors that, if ignored, can potentially serve to threaten your marriage and seriously compromise your relationship with God. If you desire to make or keep your marriage strong, here are some tips for managing opposite-sex friendships in your life.

• Make your relationship with Jesus Christ your number one priority in life.

• Develop and consistently nurture a "best friend" relationship with your spouse.

• Develop and consistently nurture close same-sex friendships.

• Make sure your spouse knows your friend and is completely comfortable with the type and level of interaction you have with them.

• Honor your spouse's wishes concerning your friendship —even if it means ending it.

• Avoid establishing close friendships with opposite sex singles.

• Avoid close opposite-sex friendships if you are struggling in your marriage relationship.

• Address unmet needs and unresolved anger in your marriage in an open, honest and timely fashion.

• Demonstrate a God-honoring character in all your relationships.

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. (Proverbs 4:23)

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable —if anything is excellent or praiseworthy —think about such things. (Philippians 4:8)

My son, preserve sound judgment and discernment, do not let them out of your sight; they will be life for you, an ornament to grace your neck. Then you will go on your way in safety, and your foot will not stumble. (Proverbs 3:21-23)

If You Don't Prioritize Your Life, Someone Else Will

I just posted a Harvard Business Review article on Facebook entitled, If You Don't Prioritize Your Life, Someone Else Will.  This article, published yesterday, begins with a quote by Mahatma Gandhi and speaks strongly to the philosophy by which he lived his life, "A 'no' uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a 'yes' merely uttered to please, or worse, to avoid trouble."

 

The article goes on to discuss a specific example, where Gandhi applied this to his life, and a specific example where the author tried to apply this to his life, but failed….miserably! (Agreed to a client meeting a few hours after his wife had just had their first child….due to feeling pressure and not wanting to 'look' bad in-front of his clients and colleagues.) 

 

It's really a great article that goes into why people prioritize unimportant things (in the bigger scheme of things) over others and how to avoid falling into those traps.

 

The article concluded with the following statement:

"Saying "yes" when we should be saying "no" can seem like a small thing in the moment. But over time, such compromises can create a life of regrets. Indeed, an Australian nurse named Bronnie Ware, who cared for people in the last 12 weeks of their lives, recorded the most often-discussed regrets. At the top of the list: "I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me."

 

"When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it."

 

This article confirms that I am doing the right thing by joining this Bucket List Club.  My sister mentioned it to me yesterday and I jumped on it with open arms.  The rules of the Bucket List Club are as follows:

1.       Fill out the life expectancy calculator questionaire at the following website: www.livingto100.com/calculator

2.       Based on your results (my life expectancy is 88) decide how old you want to be when you are ready to just relax and not have to worry about 'trying new things' and accomplishing new goals (I decided on age 80).

3.       Take the age you have decided on (80 for me) and subtract it from the age you will be on December 31^st of the current year (34 for me).  This will equal the number of items you are required to come up with for your bucket list (80-34=46 for me)

4.       Create your bucket list (things you want to do, places you want to go, people you want to see, etc…. before you die).

5.       Plan a date for the end of the year when everyone in the Bucket List Club will meet to share and discuss their bucket list, as well as strategize what they will begin working on for the coming year.

6.       During the year, try to stick to your plans.  Try to work to complete one of your smaller list items and atleast start on one of your longer-term items, because…..

7.       At the end of each consecutive year, a new Bucket List Club meeting will be planned.  You must have completed at least one Bucket List item each year, which you can cross off the list at the meeting.

a.       If you overcome a major change in your life, you are encouraged to re-take the life expectancy quiz and update the number of items that should be listed on your bucket list.

b.      If your priorities change in your life, you are allowed to "exchange" bucket list items by replacing an item that is no longer a priority/desire of yours with something that is more in-line with the new you!

 

So far, my Bucket List Club consists of 3 people and is a by-invite-only club.  We are trying to keep our member numbers intimate and low, so if you have not received an invite, please feel free to start your own club and share your experiences.  For my fellow club members, lets get started!  Year-end will be here before we know it and I'd like to do our launch meeting BIG!  Any and all ideas and suggestions are welcome!  J

Lord, please help me to see......

BLINDSPOTS

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Happy (belated) Father's Day!!!!!

Yesterday, I spent the morning visiting my dad in Queens.  I spent the afternoon at my sister's house in the Bronx and I spent the evening at a book signing in Newark, NJ…..and just like that my life changed.

I almost didn't go to the book signing.  First, I just didn't want to go for my own selfish reasons.  Second, my husband and I had a big argument on our way to pick up my sister and nieces that morning (so, we could all visit my dad in Queens) and I really just wanted to let him go there alone, while I found my own way back home from Newark.  I don't know why I didn't say anything, as he likely would've dropped me off in a fit of anger, if I had suggested it.  I guess it wasn't met to be.  I guess I was meant to have an encounter with my BLINDSPOTS.

CLICK HERE TO PURCHASE BOOK

Blindspots.

What would you do if God healed everyone else but you? Would you celebrate if God reconciled their marriage and not yours? Could you still worship if your best friend got the job you've always wanted? 
What if the spouse you've been preparing for all your life, never shows up?

You've been praying to find someone who understands. You're tired of people putting wrapping paper over your pain. They've decorated your wounds and screamed "God is able!" But you're still bleeding. You're still burning. You're still blind.

After you finish this book, deliverance will have a new meaning. You may not get "healed"... but you WILL get help. 

I haven't even started to read the book yet (planning to start tonight with my husband), but it is right on target, and from all the sharing that went on at the book signing alone, my life has been forever changed.  It's amazing how God works and he knows EXACTLY, when you need a word from him and when you have hit your lowest point in the valley and can't handle anymore.  J It's crazy how someone else's hardships and testimonies and their ability to be transparent and share the darkest, deepest, most buried moments of their life can change you and everyone around you for the better.

Once my husband and I finish the book, we intend to pass it on to others and hope to one day be an example and share our struggles and how we made it over.  Here is a few excerpts/teasers from the book:

What do you do when the person you thought you loved, was really lust in sheep's clothing? How do you get out of a marriage that was conceived in chocolate cake and shaped in vanilla ice cream? ...

What if I told you that your greatest enemy actually thinks he is your best friend? He doesn't know he is a representative of deception because the devil doesn't interview his employees. He just hires upon availability.

#blindspots.6.17.12

When someone is violated, their sense of touch is tainted. Their understanding of love gets all jacked up. In what seems like a blink of an eye, joy gets crippled. The construction paper of peace crumbles into parchments of pain, and wholeness becomes the hardest class to pass in the college of Life & Sciences.

#blindspots.6.17.12

What are we doing, people? The church has more addicts than the penal system has convicts. We have more actors than Broadway has theatres. The reason we can't get help is because we're too busy trying to fake it. Most Christians are an oxymoron. We're truthfully dishonest, freely bound and nakedly clothed. We own a 24-hour convenience store that closes on the weekends. And we come to church to shake hands with a God we haven't spoken to all week.

#blindspots.6.17.12

I believe underneath every addiction is the desire to control the motion of our lives. Underneath every addiction is a broken mind, a fragmented heart, or a traumatized spirit. Underneath addiction is an unfulfilled request to be loved; a yearning to be held. The graveyard is easy to find. Somewhere near addiction is a tombstone where hope died.

#blindspots.6.17.12

He said he was a friend. He was a minister who came into my life to help me deal with my problems. He talked with me and laughed with me. We bonded and connected. Most days, he treated me like his son. Other days, he treated me like his brother. But the day he tried to make me his lover, he introduced me to a new blindspot: violation.

#blindspots.6.17.12

*The BLINDSPOTS e-book is available on Amazon.  Click here to find out more.

Sauerkraut, Ferments and so much more.....

Yay!  It's almost summertime and that means Robbinsville (the town I currently live in) is filled with festivals and fun activities.  Yesterday was the first day for our local Farmer's Market.  Every Monday from now until September 26^th, the Robbinsville Farmer's Market convenes at the parking lot across the street from my house from 3pm – 7:30pm.  Convenient, yes, I know!  J

 

So, The Taste of Times Square (which I usually go to faithfully every year) was yesterday, but I skipped it, so that I could be home in time to visit the Farmer's Market.  Of course, there decides to be traffic and we arrive just in time to catch all the leftovers before all the farmers wrap up and go home.  What did I score?  Some toffee roasted almonds and pecans, as well as dehydrated kiwi fruit and ginger.  What else?  SAUERKRAUT!

 

For those who don't know, sauerkraut is one of the best foods in the world that you can eat…….especially (and only) when it's freshly made and not processed/pasteurized.  Not only is it loaded with naturally occurring vitamins and minerals, it's loaded with probiotics!  For those who are lactose intolerant or cutting dairy from their diet, this is a good alternative to yogurt.

 

For those who didn't know, sauerkraut is fermented cabbage, just as pickles are fermented cucumbers.  I tried making some about a month ago, but it was my very first attempt and didn't fully ferment, as I had hoped.  So, I was happy to score a freshly made variety at the Farmer's Market yesterday.  Some facts, which I pulled from Dr. Weil's website are below.

 

Sauerkraut may not be the best food in the world for health, but fresh sauerkraut is VERY good for you. The friendly lactobacilli created in the fermenting process by which cabbage is transformed into sauerkraut aid digestion, increase vitamin levels, produce a variety of beneficial enzymes and promote the growth of healthy flora throughout the digestive tract. And in a study published in the October 23, 2002 Journal of Agricultural and Food Chemistry Finnish researchers reported that fermenting cabbage produces compounds known as isothiocyanates, shown in laboratory studies (in test tubes and animals) to prevent the growth of cancer. There's no evidence, yet, that these compounds have the same effect in humans, but we do know that isothiocyanates occur naturally in broccoli and brussel sprouts, vegetables which appear to be protective against cancer.

From a nutritional point of view sauerkraut is a great food choice. One cup amounts to only 44 calories, provides eight grams of fiber and plenty of vitamin C. The downside to sauerkraut is its salt content. To make sauerkraut you shred cabbage, add salt and wait for it to ferment. The salt draws out the cabbage juice, which contains sugar. The juice and sugar ferment forming lactic acid, which creates sauerkraut's tangy flavor. But sauerkraut is one of the saltiest foods available, containing much too much sodium for people with high blood pressure and heart disease. If you rinse and soak sauerkraut in cold water before you eat it, you can lower the sodium content considerably.

Many peoples in the world, including Germans, Japanese and Chinese, consider it important to include fermented foods in their diets. Natural pickles, Korean Kimchi, tempeh and miso (made from soy) as well as high quality yogurt are all sources of the friendly cultures found in sauerkraut. Unfortunately, most of today's commercially available sauerkraut is pasteurized and "dead" - that is, it lacks the beneficial bacterial cultures that make it so good for us. Instead, all you get is a lot of salt. To get the health benefits, look for fresh sauerkraut in the refrigerated sections of natural food stores and in barrels in delicatessens that still make their own. Or, even better, make it yourself - it's not that difficult.

Andrew Weil, M.D.

I am also a huge fan of a nutritionist named Kimberly Snyder.  Her website also includes information of the benefits of sauerkraut (which she calls Probiotic & Enzyme Salad) and provides a video and instructions on how to make it at home.  Below are some useful benefit data, which appears on her page.

 

I cannot stress enough the importance of the Probiotic and Enzyme Salad in helping to make us more clean and balanced. This sacred and extremely nutritious salad. It is packed with enzymes and flora to increase our immunity and to restore us to a basic pH. It doesn't take that much time to make, and it is the most inexpensive way to get daily probiotics. This is especially important for those of you that can't afford probiotic supplements, which can definitely be expensive. Cabbage is very inexpensive, so there is no excuse to not make this salad!!

Imbalanced intestinal flora is one of the root causes of disease and is essential to replenish to achieve true health and therefore true beauty. This powerful salad will lead to improved Beauty Energy and ongoing cleansing. Most importantly, it will aid you in clear up any digestive blockages or irregularities that you are experiencing. It is great for those with Candida and sugar cravings.

Probiotic & Enzyme Salad is essentially raw sauerkraut and is made with green cabbage, miso paste or sea salt, and optionally flavor add-ons like ginger or carraway seeds. The raw, cultured veggies that are chopped and sealed in airtight containers for a few days. Sealing and storing the cabbage creates an environment for lactobacilli and enzymes in the vegetables to flourish, creating a probiotic-rich food. Pretty cool, right? Cabbage in itself has natural probiotics, is packed with vitamin C, and has natural cleansing properties. I love that that it's so easy to make and is a yummy, tangy accompaniment for any meal.

Sauerkraut usually stirs up images of a soppy, salty condiment that adds flavor to various meats, but this is not what you are making here! It's time to break the stereotype and open up your mind to the possibility of delicious, nutritious and beautiful foods that benefit the body and the mind. Probiotic & Enzyme Salad is the most powerful tool you can use to get there!

Remember, the fermentation process to create all of those healthy nutrients takes about 5 days so when you start to run low, be sure to whip up a new batch. You can store sealed jars of salad in the refrigerator for up to a month or so, once the seal has been broken, it will keep for up to 1 month. Probiotic & Enzyme Salad should be a core staple of your Beauty Detox by including ½ cup for dinner each night and also at lunch when possible.

For a simple and easy demo on how to make Probiotic & Enzyme Salad, click here! If you are still having issues with your batches going funky, remember to 1)Sterilize everything very well beforehand 2)Pack the mixture down firmly 3)Make sure your jar lids are tightly closed 4)Use spring water to make the brine.

Through increasing your consumption of probiotics and probiotic-rich foods, over time you will see an increase in energy and skin beauty, which will further serve as motivation to keep eating them!

How to Get Paid to Reduce Your Debt and Build Your Savings

While browsing through my weekly The Krazy Koupon Lady emails, I came across a link to a really cool website, SaveUP.com, which helps Americans earn rewards when they make payments on bills such as credit cards, or when they put money into a savings plan.

 

How SaveUP Works

As you know, you can take advantage of most reward programs only if you spend money. But with SaveUP.com, you get rewarded in the form of credits each time you make payments on certain debts or put money into your savings plan, IRA or 401K. The site's tagline says it best: "Get Rewarded for Your Savings, Not Your Spending." SaveUP.com also has a fun, interactive component where you can earn credits when you take part in daily challenges.

Types of Accounts You Can Register with SaveUP

You can register credit cards from more than 18,000 financial institutions, student loans and checking accounts. You can also register your savings account, IRAs and 401Ks so you earn credits when you pay yourself!

Amount of Credits You Can Earn

SaveUP gives you a savings incentive right off the bat by giving you 200 credits just for registering any financial account. You'll earn an extra 1 credit for every $1 reduction on a car, mortgage, or student loan, and 1 credit for every $1 increase in your savings account, 401K or IRA. You can also earn 1 credit for each $1 increase in your checking account balance and 1 credit for every $2 you pay on your credit card. By the way, there are no limits to the amount of credits you can earn.

What You Get with Your Credits

You can use your credits towards daily chances to win vacations, cars, gift cards, electronics, tech products like iPads, and other items. You'll even get the opportunity to win cash rewards up to a $2,000,000 jackpot.

How to Join SaveUP

To start earning SaveUP credits, just sign up on the website by entering your name, email and a password. You can also sign up through your Facebook account. Once you've signed up, you can begin registering the accounts you want to make payments towards. The site securely connects to almost every financial institution in the country that offers online banking, which allows your account balances to be monitored so you can receive your credits. But don't worry that a SaveUP employee is sitting down soaking up all the details of your financial accounts. The site stresses that they do not have access to your accounts or store your financial information.

How Much Does SaveUP Cost?

SaveUP is completely free, and the company pledges to never charge you a penny. They make their money by partnering with sponsors and financial institutions. I found this a really interesting twist because we usually have the idea of banks and advertisers taking money from consumers rather than helping them to save!

All in all, it looks like a win-win situation for everyone. Just don't expect SaveUP to send you reminders to pay down your debt so you can earn credits; that's up to you. Still, it's not likely you'll have trouble remembering because SaveUP's features offer plenty of incentives for you to pay off your debt and really pad that nest egg.

This has been a guest post by Andrea from Ontario, Canada
Find out more about the KCL Contributor Network!

Betrayal: The introduction

As I went to the library to return some books and pick up a movie on hold for me, it occurred to me that it was time to find some new material to read.

As part of a Love Dare Challenge a few months ago, I had to recognize my husband's primary love language and for six weeks (I think) complete these challenges that spoke to his love language. Well, it turned out that one of his primary love languages was Physical Touch (the other was Words of Affirmation). Any who, my very first challenge was to do some research. Apparently, men who find love in physical touch, enjoy varied forms of physical touch....and my task was to "get a book" and discover some new ways to incorporate more physical touch into our situation.

Thus began my familiarity with the "sex and relationships" section of the Mid-Manhattan library. On that day, I was returning the book I had taken out for this very challenge many months ago. Yes, it took me THAT long to read it and the only reason I finished is because the library said I renewed this book the maximum amount of times and had to return it. FYI: the max amount of times is 10 and each time the book is renewed for another 3 weeks (you do the math). In conclusion, I totally slacked on the job (sorry babe!). For those who are curious to know, the title of the book was something like, "How To Have Sex Like You Just Met"......or something like that. I don't feel too bad about my slacking because I'm sure I incorporated something that the book was saying at some point during those XX months I had the book in my possession.

BUT, I digress.....something that I do all the time and if you know me well enough, you expect it of me Enough!!!!

Before leaving the library, I decided to continue my journey of "research" and get another book with more "data" on this thing they call physical touch.....and all other aspects of relationships as well. The first book that caught my eye (mainly because it was big and bright) was Satisfaction by Karrine Steffans. I could go on a whole other tangent about her and that, but instead I'll just say that I flipped through, decided against it and kept looking.

I'm not even sure if this was in the right section, but I can say that it was kismet that we meet. This tiny little yellow (my favorite color) caught my eye. The author was Dr. Laura Schlessinger. If my sister is reading this blog, she's probably trying to remember where she heard that name from.
Wonder no more, my dear Frankela, for she is the author of the book that you claim changed your life. That's right! "Ten Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives." I could go on another tangent, but I will refrain. Instead, I will tell you that I was drawn to the book like a moth to a flame. Not only because of the author (one of my favorites), but the topic.

The title of this book is "Surviving A Shark Attack (On Land): Overcoming Betrayal and Dealing With Revenge."

Most do not know this, but if you are the closest person to me or a mind reader, then you know that this is one of my struggles in life. For some reason, it is so hard for me to move on and let go......especially when someone has hurt me or someone close to me (or just anyone in general....hence, my refusal to watch or support any movies that Angelina Jolie appears in). Yes, as shameful as it is to admit, I am a grudge holder and in most cases, I hold on for life. Sad, I know.....mostly because it likely harms me more than the person I'm holding the grudge against. Let's be real, do u really think Angelina Jolie was affected by the fact that I left the room when my husband rented "Salt" from On Demand?

Suffice it to say, I took this book out and am fervently going through and taking notes. While it's not gonna give me ideas of new and interesting ways of physically touching my husband, I am 100% positive that it will help me to touch him in ways that he'll appreciate much more than what resulted from the book I returned on the day I found my next read.

So, I will likely be writing a lot about betrayal in the coming weeks. Bare with me because it's just a way to share and explore my feeling all in the same breath. Join in the discussion and share your experiences. We can all heal together! :-D

I will leave you with a little excerpt from the introduction of the book....we'll just call it a teaser.

" Life is what it is. If you venture into the world, there are those ready to attack -- especially if you are or are doing something special. I absolutely hate that this is a truth of life. But that truth doesn't care if you or I hate it -- we still have to face it.

Venture into the ocean, and you might become victim to a shark who is hungry or feeling threatened by your presence or is just doing what it is genetically programmed to do: attack and consume. The shark may take a bite out of you and remove a limb or reveal your innards, and then swim off, not thinking a thing about it. However, the smell of blood brings other sharks to feed on your frenzy of excitement--leaving nothing of you other than the memories of you cherished by your loved ones.

Sharks have no remorse, no morality, no sense of fairness, no concern about the consequences of their actions--as long as their instinctive needs are satisfied. There are a lot of human beings who are just like that--hence the title of this book.

So, then, what do we do to survive shark attacks......on land? "

Gay or Stupid? One’s Still an Insult (NYTimes article)

 

 

June 1, 2012

Gay or Stupid? One's Still an Insult

By GINIA BELLAFANTE

Not too long ago, Lee Stern, a music educator, was accompanying his 11-year-old nephew in an elevator in his Chelsea apartment building. Mr. Stern is gay, and so is his brother, who adopted the boy with his partner and lives down the hall.

 A man got in the elevator, and after he left, the boy proclaimed, "He is so gay." Mr. Stern inquired after the response, and his nephew explained that he'd reached his assumption based on a potent whiff of cologne. Mr. Stern responded that cologne had nothing to do with sexual orientation. After all, he and the boy's fathers didn't wear any, and they are gay. Then the child said: "No. I mean he is gay," Mr. Stern recounted. "He was talking about the muscles, the shorts. He was Chelsea," Mr. Stern said, laughing.

If the man were, in fact, just Jersey Shore, would the child's initial conclusion have been an affront?

Not according to an appellate court in Albany, which last week issued a ruling that in its judicial effect stripped the word "gay" of any derogatory connotation. It is now no longer considered slanderous in the State of New York to falsely call someone gay. Gay has, in the eyes of the court, as it has in the minds of sane people, lost currency as an accusation. Say I chose to live my life as a telenovela and decided to break up my best friend's wedding by announcing in a rehearsal dinner toast that her husband was gay. That husband would now have as little ground for a lawsuit against me as if I had described him as blond, pigeon-toed, happy or merely mediocre at Texas Hold 'Em.

In arriving at its decision, the court erased decades of rulings that treated inaccurate descriptions of sexual orientation as defamation. "These appellate division decisions are inconsistent with current public policy and should no longer be followed," the unanimous decision, written by Justice Thomas Mercure, stated.

What took so long?

While the decision clearly reflects the ideas and opinions of an increasingly enlightened citizenry, it might also be said to speak to the evolving etymology of the term gay itself. During the past two decades, American adolescent vernacular has broadened the definition far beyond implications of sexual orientation. In a circle of 13-year-olds, "That's so gay!" might translate to: "Only ding-dongs go to the movies on Saturday when anyone who is anyone goes to the movies on Wednesdays." It might be gay to wear Pumas in a place where Converse high-tops are the rage, or gay of a teacher to assign a 10-page essay on "Buddenbrooks" three days before Christmas.

Ten years ago, on an e-mail list dedicated to issues of linguistics, an extensive conversation got going over whether the word gay had morphed specifically into meaning "stupid." The cumulative answer was, yes, it seemed so, and this was happening around the world, including in the United States.

But in New York, where teenagers who have grown up with gay parents, friends, aunts and cousins are perhaps thicker on the ground than most places, perhaps we've entered a new phase, where gay has simply reverted to meaning homosexual, a term so unremarkable it is delivered with the easiest neutrality. Some unscientifically gathered evidence suggests that we might have.

Last week, Emily Kerins, 14, a student at the Baccalaureate School for Global Education in Astoria, Queens, told my colleague Juliet Linderman that she'd grown offended by the indiscriminate use of the term gay. "If I were gay and someone used that word in a negative context, of course I'd be insulted," she said. "I hear it all the time, every single day in class. The other day I raised my hand and answered a question wrong, and someone said, 'You're so gay.' What does answering a question wrong have to do with my sexuality? It's damaging to gay people to use the word like that. People don't want to go through life being insulted and discriminated against. It's wrong. I'd much rather call someone a loser. I used to say it when I was younger, but I stopped."

Outside St. Ann's School in Brooklyn Heights on Friday, I encountered a similar sense of backlash. "A lot of kids say, 'You're really gay' because they think that's what an adult would do," Agnes Guillo, a seventh grader, explained to me. "They think it's an insult, and they think the insult will give them power."

A boy named Eden Stern-Rodriguez, 16, was there with a group of high school friends, all of whom stood adamantly against any extrapolated uses of the term gay whatsoever. "There are people who live in my house who are gay," Eden told me, explaining that his mother's best friend lived with his family and that if he ever referred to anyone as gay, it would be because they were, in fact, homosexual.

Perhaps there's a new synonym for lame and the older ones among us don't yet know about it. And maybe it's just "lame."

E-mail: bigcity@nytimes.com

Juliet Linderman contributed reporting.

Took this one from a Generous Savings blog.......
I did one of these money makers last week and my husband was amazed  ;-)
Hop on the money saving train with me, why don't you!

Coupon Class Tip: How to get FREE MILK…..

Posted on May 19, 2012 by Steph

 

…..or free produce or something else free that you want….

So, I wanted to break some things down for you and help you see how you can save and get even things like a gallon of milk for free!

In my coupon classes I recommend that you save all your coupons. Why?  Well, what if that coupon for that product that you don’t use would help you make a few bucks?

How is that possible you might ask..

Well, sometimes, there are amazing rewards deals or catalina deals at your local store.  This means that when you buy x you get a coupon for a certain amount of money off of your next purchase of anything in the store. Many times, when you add a coupon into this rewards deal, you can make it a freebie or a money-maker
Even if you don’t get coupons, there are times when you can print a coupon to make a deal a money-maker
AND even if you don’t use coupons at all, sometimes, there are just amazing deals that are a money maker all on their own

I want to break down 2 examples of these money-makers and how it can get you free milk.

These deals happened just this week.  Deals like this don’t happen all the time, but they do happen frequently, and I love to feature them on Generous Savings.

This week at Rite Aid there was this deal:
Buy 2 Jergens Ultra Healing Lotion 1 oz. -$0.79 each (bogo50%)
Pay $1.26 (includes tax)
Get a $3 +Up Reward when you buy 2 (limit 2)
FREE + $1.74 moneymaker!

You were allowed to do this deal twice, which  means you could have walked away with 4 little lotions and the store paying you $3.48!!  Yes, you read me right.  The store paid you to take them out of the store!
Now the store, wants you to forget about your +UP rewards or buy something expensive overpriced item that you don’t need with those rewards.

What do I want you to do?  Well, you can either a) save them for next week when you buy more items that will trigger +UP rewards or b) go buy an item you need that you don’t have coupons for with them, like MILK!!!

Here is another deal that occurred at Shoprite this week (this catalina deal is good through 7/8):
Buy 3 Kikkoman meat marinade packets 3/$2
use 3 $1/1 Kikkoman Marinade or $0.50/1 Kikkoman Marinades, pg. 85 All You, May 2012 (exp 10/31/2012) or $1/1 Kikkoman Marinade
pay 0
get $2 catalina
Free + $2 money maker after coupons and catalina!

Now, if you did the money-maker deal twice, you would have $4 in catalina’s!  Enough to buy a gallon of milk!  How cool is that?

You could also use those catalina’s on produce and get free broccoli or even free organic produce!
So, sometimes, it takes a little creative thinking to figure out how to save on essentials like produce (even organic produce) and milk, but it IS possible to save on such things!

Even if you are not a die hard couponer, you could do a money-maker deal or two each week and save a few bucks.  If you were able to do 1 $3 money maker deal a week, that would be $156 you saved in 1 year! (plus all the free stuff you got).

So, who could use some free milk or extra money?

If you have any questions, or need any help understanding the deals, please don’t hesitate to ask a question in the comments!

Stay tuned to Generous Savings and the freebies tab for more great deals like this!
Remember, even if you don’t use these money-maker items, you can donate them to someone who will use them!

Leah's Response, Donations, iMentor & more.....

I just received an email from my mentee and while she has many obstacles to overcome in life, she reminds me a lot of myself in where she is determined to succeed no matter what.  She previously told me that she had an argument with her dad two years ago, where he was treating her like something she was not.  She was upset and hung up on him…..and has not heard from him since.  So, some of her email is in response to that because she is very hurt about the situation, but her pride is keeping her from making the first move and contacting him.  Anyways, I thought her email was inspiring and wanted to share it.  J 

For those who care to help, she was accepted into a leadership program at Brown University for the summer and needed help affording it.  A link to her fundraising site is: http://wishbone.org/students/view/17

Also, if you live and/or work in New York, consider becoming a mentor through the iMentor program, which matches college-educated mentors with high school students in low-income communities in New York City to help them graduate ready for college. To learn more about the program, visit their website at http://www.imentor.org/about-imentor

If you’d like to sign up now, please complete iMentor’s online application and then iMentor will invite you to attend a helpful mentor training session. It’s a great opportunity to meet other interesting and like-minded professionals who are also becoming mentors.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hi Faunya,

I'm really glad that you can come! I believe the show starts around 5 ish so you wont miss much. Things with Brown are going great so far. I found out a couple of days ago that I was fully funded for the entire trip! That is a big stress off of my shoulders. I am really looking forward to those two weeks. Also, about the situation with my dad, his current girlfriend actually has a problem with my mom and I. I've never seen before, and I kinda don't want to because in reality, she is very rude to my mom and there's just a whole bunch of problems there. However, the mother of my sister has always taken care of me and has always been respectful and I would call her but I also haven't talked to her in two years and I wouldn't really know what to say. It is my dad's birthday on Friday so i'm thinking of sending him a card just to wish him a happy birthday. I hope this problem gets resolved before senior year. I don't want him to miss out on important college stuff. I think that both of my parents should be present for that.

Speaking about the topic, I think that self-advocacy is very important especially for a young adult. High school is the time when a teen figures out who they are and what they want to accomplish in life. It is also the time when the teenager gets the most freedom. There is no longer a teacher telling them to stand straight in line on their way to their next class. In highschool, it is their responsibilty to get themselves to the places they need to be. If they don't speak for themselves, one, college will be extremely hard for them, and two, they won't get the opporutnities other students will get. For example, if I hadn't looked up Brown for myself, I probably would have never found out about the program and I would probably be doing nothing this summer. High school is when a person begins to mold their life. This is probably the most important stepping stone in life. Important people come to my school all of the tis my responsibility alone to present myself in the best way possible to begin making myself stand out. No one is going to hand me a full-ride scholarship for no reason. I have to earn it. I have to go out and do my research, schedule interviews, write papers and do everything possible to make sure that I am fulfilling my own needs. Tomorrow, representatives from the POSSE program are coming to talk to us at lunch. I have to make sure that I am being charismatic, catching their attention, advoacating myself and telling them all of the good things I can offer so that I can be nominated for that scholarship. It is important for every young adult to realize that neither our parents nor our teachers are going to sign us up for things that will get us ready for college and after college, we have to do it ourselves.

I am shy around people I don't know, but when my future is in question, I suck it up and put that all away becasue I refuse to let that jepardize my future. So, tomorrow, I am going to be as outgoing as possible because personality and character is something the POSSE program looks for. I am not going to act shy at first becasue theres a chance I won't know them long enough for them to get to know the real me.

I am really excited for the June barbeque. Although it is going to be a busy day, I will get to see you! Also, I am happy that you're coming to the musical!  See you on thursday!

Regards, Leah.

Too sexy, too laid back, too independent... Why some women just AREN'T marriage material

So, I came across the below article and knew I HAD to post it.  The topic of dating and dating that leads to marriage comes up constantly in conversations with both family and friends.  I recently asked my husband what it was about me that attracted him to be 1) my boyfriend and 2) my husband 3 1/2 years later.....and I must say that some of the things written in this adds up.  Also, I look at the other married couples that I know of......same thing.  Hmm....maybe they have a point here.  Thoughts?

By Frances Childs
21 November 2011

We’ve all heard — or perhaps experienced — a version of this story: man meets woman, they fall in love, date for a while, move in together. They frame photos, arrange them on the walls, pick out furniture, make a nest.

A few years on, marriage is on her mind. But she puts no pressure on him — he’ll ask when he’s ready, right? He doesn’t. She doesn’t push it. The relationship stagnates. Man leaves woman. Man swiftly marries subsequent girlfriend, leaving ex mystified and heartbroken.

This is what happened to Laura Hall, a 34-year-old financial adviser from London. Laura had been living with Douglas for four years when he walked out. ‘I just let the relationship drift on, hoping he’d pop the question in his own time. But he never did. I was devastated when he left.’
 

John Molloy, author of Why Men Marry Some Women And Not Others, says that many women simply do not push hard enough for marriage

And she was even more devastated when she heard he’d proposed to his next girlfriend within a matter of months. But why her and not Laura? Does it mean there are some women who are acceptable as a girlfriend, but not really quite the ticket when it comes to getting hitched?
A recent celebrity example that comes to mind is Pippa Middleton. With her long, luscious hair and legs to die for, Pippa is one of the most eligible women on the planet. The sister-in-law to the future King of England possesses an undeniable sex appeal, not to mention perhaps the most lusted-after derriere in the world.

Yet, according to reports, Pippa’s 18-month romance with Old Etonian Alex Loudon recently ended because his family considered her not quite ‘wife material’ — a phrase guaranteed to make female hackles rise. In this supposedly egalitarian age, is there really such a thing as ‘wife material’?

 Well, yes, according to John Molloy, author of Why Men Marry Some Women And Not Others. Molloy claims there are definite types of women that men marry — and, equally definitely, women they do not.

Molloy interviewed more than 3,500 people in his quest to discover exactly why men pop the question to some of us and not others. When he asked men who were about to be married to describe their fiancees, only 20 per cent said ‘gorgeous’ or ‘sexy’. The others focused on their future wives’ personalities.

According to reports, Pippa Middleton's 18-month romance with Old Etonian Alex Loudon ended because his family considered her not quite 'wife material'

One man summed up his future bride as ‘the kind of woman you can take anywhere and be proud of’ — a sentiment echoed by many other men in the course of Molloy’s research. More than 30 per cent of the men Molloy interviewed who were about to get married said their family’s positive opinion of their future bride had helped them decide she was ‘the one’ — and most parents aren’t looking for an incredibly sexy or very attention-seeking spouse for their son.

There’s another good reason why men eschew sexiness in favour of other qualities when they look for a wife. ‘Men don’t look for very sexy wives, because — at a very basic animal level — they want to be sure the children they are raising are their own,’ explains psychologist Dr Jane McCartney, an expert in human behaviour and relationships. ‘Men are attracted to qualities such as loyalty, discretion and kindness when they look for a wife. Feisty and flirty is fine for a girlfriend. It’s just not what men want in life partners.

Frances says Pippa may well be rueing the day she allowed herself to be photographed being hoisted in the air by her ex-boyfriend Charlie Astor

Just look at feisty, flirty, gorgeous Cameron Diaz. Men fall for her in their droves, yet she always ends up single again. If we believe Molloy’s thesis, Cameron’s just too sexy — on some deep, evolutionary level, the men she dates don’t believe she’ll stick around.

But while men apparently don’t want sexy wives, they do want women who take care of themselves. Molloy found women who are slim and well-groomed with nice hair and nails are prized, although those who wear revealing, attention-grabbing clothes are not.
It all sounds a bit schizophrenic: men want to marry women who are sexy and fit, but not too sexy and fit.
 Another reason women find themselves without a ring on their finger, Molloy says, is that many simply do not push hard enough for it. He found 73 per cent of the wives-to-be he spoke to had forced the issue themselves rather than waiting for a romantic proposal.
 This rings true for Laura Hall. ‘I should have been clear about how much marriage meant to me,’ she says now. ‘I was living with him, doing all the things a wife does, but without a ring on my finger. He could just walk out and in the end that’s exactly what he did.’

While she concedes things had become stale between them, she says it happened precisely because the relationship had lost its momentum — the explicit acknowledgement of commitment that typically leads to engagement, then marriage, then children.

Experts say this is common when couples live together. According to Dr Joel Block, psychologist and author of the book The Real Reasons Men Commit, women need to be wary of serial co-habiters. If a man has had more than one live-in relationship, he is less likely to marry than a man who hasn’t or who is in his first co-habiting relationship.

'Lukewarm': Loudon's parents James and Jane Loudon didn't see Pippa as wife material for their son

If you are with a man who has lived with someone before and you want to get married, you need to say so and stick to your guns early on in the relationship. Make your wishes known. It worked for Gemma Jones, 30, a childminder from Kent. ‘I lived with Mark for a year and then I told him I wanted to get married. He was a bit fazed at first and came out with lines like “it’s only a bit of paper” but I explained that marriage was important to me and to my family, who are Roman Catholics.’

‘Mark agreed to set a date when he understood that I really wanted to get married and that I wouldn’t be happy if the relationship just carried on,’ she explains.
 Research also demonstrates that men prize women who don’t cook and clean for them as a matter of course. As one man in the survey ungallantly put it: ‘No one marries a servant.’ It seems that men are attracted to women who are aware of their own self-worth. But nowadays isn’t co-habiting merely a sensible step to take before vowing to spend the rest of your life together?

Psychologists agree that moving in together is fine — as long as both people are clear about where they think it will lead. ‘Simply put, most men place marriage on a higher level of commitment than just living together,’ explains Block. ‘While women might think that living together is a step towards marriage, many men view it as a way of buying time — or worse, a good option until they find their future wife.

Too sexy? Cameron Diaz dated Justin Timberlake for three years, but ended up single again

John Molloy is equally blunt. ‘The statistics say most men propose after 22 months. For the next three-and-a-half years, the prospects of marriage gradually diminish. After seven years, the likelihood you’ll get married is virtually nil,’ he says. ‘If you want to get married, statistically speaking, you should start to look seriously for a husband at 28.’
Molloy also advises a little lowering of standards. Some women never get married, he says, because they are simply too fussy. Of the women he interviewed who were about to get married, 20 per cent admitted disliking their future husbands when they first met them. ‘Of course, you should have standards, but it sometimes pays to give men a second or even third chance,’ Molloy advises.
 Web designer Nicki Carter from Reading, who at 41 has never been married, worries that now she never will. She ruefully admits: ‘I was probably too picky. I finished with one boyfriend because I thought he wasn’t focused enough on his career. And I finished with another one because I decided he was too possessive.

‘In fact, he was madly in love with me, handsome, funny, well-educated and kind. He wanted to marry me but I wasn’t interested. I always thought I could do better and now I wonder if I was wrong.’Joel Block argues that there is no such thing as perfect. ‘I think that women who are growing older as they search for Mr Right should reconsider. Would finding Mr “Almost Right” be better than a single life?’ he asks. For some it wouldn’t. ‘Some women just don’t want to get married. They aren’t the marrying type,’ Molloy says.

Whether Pippa is or isn’t remains to be seen. Certainly, she will have no shortage of eligible suitors queuing up to replace Alex Loudon and, at 28, she’s hardly left on the shelf. However, she may well be rueing the day that, dressed in that plunging, cleavage-enhancing scarlet dress, she allowed herself to be photographed being hoisted in the air by her ex-boyfriend Charlie Astor on the dance floor at the Boodles ball.