The Life of a Full-Time Working Mom And Her Extreme Commute

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I'm from New York City and he is from the country bumpkin outskirts of Southern New Jersey.  When we married, the only logical thing to do was to find a home that would serve as a half-way point to our families and commutes to work (Check out my About Me page). 

We chose Central New Jersey.  His commute was 40 minutes each way.  My commute was approximately 2 hours each way.  Hardly a half way point, but we made it work.

Three years later, we had a baby girl and named her Selah.  She is one of God's greatest gifts to me and I knew that going back to work after the customary 3 months was not going to work for me.  So, I took 6 months off.  Then, I went back part-time.....for a month.  Then my typical weekday life began to play out like this:

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4:55am - I wake up, read a bible verse and commentary on my First 5 app and write my thoughts on the subject.

5:00am - I go to the bathroom, shower, brush my teeth, etc.  If I have time and if I remember, I will spend 5 minutes doing a quick 'swish and swash' to maintain the cleanliness of our bathroom.

5:30am - I get my clothes out and iron them and otherwise prepare myself to get dressed.

5:45am - Our darling Selah is usually up by now, so I let her sit on the potty for a while before washing her up and getting her dressed.

6:00am - I get dressed and prepare to leave.

6:15am - My alarm goes off.  That means I need to finish wrapping up any loose ends, kiss my family goodbye and head out the door.  I walk 1/2 mile to the bus.  I usually listen to a sermon podcast during my morning commute.  (TD Jakes, Joyce Meyer & Rick Warren are my favorites.)

6:35am - I catch the 606 to Hamilton Rail Station and wait for the train.

6:56am - I continue listening to my podcast, check emails, look at social media and sleep during my train ride into NYC.

7:15am - My husband drops our daughter off at daycare and then heads to work himself.  He changed jobs 6 months ago, so his commute is now about 20 minutes.

7:58am - Although the train is scheduled to arrive in New York Penn Station at 7:58am, it rarely does.  Either way, once I get off of the train, I walk approximately 2 miles to my job.  In extreme weather conditions, I catch the subway.

8:00am - My husband arrives at work and sends me a text to let me know he made it there safely.

8:20am - I arrive at work, text my husband, make my tea and then get to work!

12:30pm - I usually take a lunch break at this time.  My lunch break typically consists of running errands and then scarfing food down my throat while I work because my lunch break is over.  Sometimes I do the opposite.  I'll eat food at my desk while I work, then I'll leave the job and run errands during my lunch break.

5:00pm - I pack up my bags and I head home, starting with a 2 mile walk back to the NJ Transit Station.  I usually listen to an educational podcast during my commute home.  At the current time, my only exception is Serial.  Every other podcast I listen to is spiritual or educational in some way.

5:28pm - I catch my train home.  If I wasn't able to complete my work, I may pull out my laptop on the train.  Otherwise, I use this time to catch up on emails, social media and reading.  I always text my husband to let him know I'm on the train.

6:29pm - I arrive at Hamilton Station.  Either my husband picks me up (after picking up our daughter) and we ride home together or my husband picks up my daughter and starts dinner, while I catch the 6:58pm bus. 

6:45pm/7:15pm - If I catch the bus, I get home between 7:15pm and 7:30pm.  We eat dinner as a family as soon as I get in.

7:30pm - After dinner, I may spend 5 minutes clearing off plates and then I give the baby about 15 minutes to digest her food.

7:45pm - I run the bath water, bathe, lotion, dress, pray and put the baby to sleep.  Our target bed time is 8:00pm, but we run behind some weekdays and she goes to bed closer to 8:30pm (but rarely after 9pm).

8:30pm - I spend about 30 minutes straightening up (when I have the energy to do so) and then I have about an hour before it's time for me to wrap things up and get to bed.

10:00pm - This is my 'bed time.'  I read a scripture or lesson of some sort, say my prayers and hit the sack.

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So, as you can see, my weekdays are pretty jam packed.  In a typical week, I only get to spend 1-2 hours with my daughter on any given weekday (This excludes Wednesday, since I work from home on Wednesdays.)

When I think of those numbers, I feel a bit bad because it's hard to imagine how anyone could consider a way to balance work, life and motherhood with this type of schedule.  However, I make it work and this is how I do it.

• Much to my husband's dismay, I prioritize spending time with my family over cleaning the house.  I also prioritize spending time with my family over spending time with colleagues and friends, as well as pursuing time-consuming projects outside of the home. I also prioritize spending time with my family over the many beauty regimens I used to have pre-baby (ie. bi-weekly hair salon visits, which now only happen once a quarter).
• I cherish those early morning and before bed times with my precious little angel.  People may think that I'm extra because I massage her with lotion every night and hug and kiss and rock her after we say our prayers and before I put her in the crib.  Well, I don't care!  These are the memories you remember.  I still remember my mom laying between my sister and I every night when we were little kids and reciting the Lord's Prayer with us.
• I talk to her.  Every morning, I ask how her night was.  Every evening, I ask how her day in school was.  She's not able to fully articulate her responses yet, but she does respond.  She knows that mommy cares and mommy tries to incorporate herself in every aspect of her life.....including her dreams.
• The weekends are hers!  Yes, my husband and I have occasional date nights when we hire a babysitter, so that we can paint the town red.  Yes, we take full advantage when her day care offers Parent's Night Out events where they keep her until 9:30pm on a Friday night.  However, those are far and few between and rarely more than once a month.  On the weekends, we plan activities with her and we spend time at home with her.  We eat every meal together and we pray before every meal together.  We dance together and we laugh together.  We watch the same old Sesame Street clips together and we color together.

So, how do you balance being a full-time working woman (with an extreme commute) and motherhood?  You don't!  You take it one day at a time, you do everything unto God and you make sure that you prioritize the time you do have.

To be honest, I probably will cut my hours at some point or increase my work-from-home days in the near future.....especially if I have a second child.  One of the reasons I focus so much on personal finance is because I would love to be in a place where it wasn't about the money.  I would love to be in a place where I could take an even longer time from work of cut my hours to part-time (I probably would never be a stay-at-home mom, even if I could afford it.) and not have to worry about how we will pay our bills each month.  However, we are not there YET.  So for now, I juggle the best way I know how.

How about you?  How do you balance motherhood and working?  If you're not a working mom, how do you balance motherhood and other responsibilities?  Tips and ideas are always welcomed!

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This post is part of a blog hop where a group of bloggers are all sharing on similar topics (Working Mom, How to Balance). To find more inspiration, check out these awesome blogs:

Daily Momtivity (http://dailymomtivity.com)

The Buccio Clan (www.thebuccioclan.com)
Peaches and Pickles (www.peachesandpickles.org)
Simple at Home (Simpleathome.com)
Sara B Nash (http://www.sarabnash.com)
Craft Create Calm (http://www.craftcreatecalm.com)
Multitasking Mom (http://www.themultitaskingmomsite.net)
LedyLiz (http://ledyliz.com)
Home Maid Simple (http://homemadesimple.com)
Sweet Discord (http://www.sweetdiscord.com)
Smart Mom, Smart Ideas (http://smartmomsmartideas.com)
Misty Shaheen (http://mistyshaheen.com)

Suzi Whitford (http://www.startamomblog.com)

Angela Coleman Sherman (http://www.thenonhousewives.com)

Melissa Hunt (http://www.deuxbella.com)

Christmas Gifts for an 18-Month Old Girl

 

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Meet Selah.  She is 18 months old and one of the most loving, beautiful, dramatic, silly and intelligent little girls that I have ever met.  She is also my daughter (No, I am not biased). 

Christmas is coming up and I am so excited about how she will react when she opens her gifts.  We brought her gifts for Christmas last year, but she was too young to really understand what was going on.  This year is the first year that she will 'really' be able to understand that she is getting something new and this year she has a better idea of what she does/does not like.

Firstly, I would like to point out that we have two family traditions that my husband and I have been doing ever since we've been married (5 years). 

Tradition #1: We always buy each other pajamas, wrap them and put them under the tree or wherever we are storing our gifts for that particular year.  On Christmas Eve we gather around the 'tree,' open the gift and put it on before bed.

Tradition #2: We also buy each other a book that we think the other person would enjoy or benefit from, wrap them and put them under the 'tree.'  This gift is also opened on Christmas Eve.

* Tradition # 2 is new and this is something that we just instituted last year.  We each buy each other a gift and then we buy Selah's gifts together.


If you have read any of my previous blogs on preparing for the holiday, then you know that we have a holiday spending budget.  The dollar amount saved for Selah's gifts is $100. 

GIFT #1

Elmo Play All Day
BUY HERE

Thus far, we have spent $40 on the Elmo Play All Day.  This toy is regularly priced at $59.99, but is currently $45.99 on Amazon.com.  We purchased her toy from ShopRite on Black Friday.  Elmo Play All Day is a plush cuddly toy, featuring 8 games/activities and 150+ responses.  Selah is obsessed with Elmo, as is most toddlers her age, so I know that she will LOOOVE this toy.

GIFT #2


Melissa & Doug Jumbo Triangular Crayons
BUY HERE

Melissa & Doug Jumbo Coloring Pad
BUY HERE

Selah absolutely loves to write.  She writes in coloring books.  She writes in regular books.  She writes on cardboard and she writes on the floor.  She writes on skin and she writes on walls.  It's only natural that we would choose to get her a) Melissa & Doug Jumbo Triangular Crayons and b) Melissa & Doug Jumbo Coloring Book.  Both products cost a little under $5 each on Amazon.

GIFT #3
Pajamas: We haven't picked out the exact pajamas we will get her yet, so I don't have much detail available.  However, I was in Gymboree earlier today and they had really cute pajama sets on sale. (Click on Gymboree link to receive 25% off your first order.)

GIFT #4
Gift #4 is up in the air.  Assuming the pajamas cost between $10-$20, we have approximately $30-$40 left to spend on Selah's Christmas gifts. 

Since her ears are not pierced, I am considering a bracelet.  However, when I mentioned it to her dad, he didn't seem that enthused.

We are also considering a learning tablet.  Since she loves the iPad and our cellphone, I would love to get her a tablet specifically designed to increase her intellectual ability.  However, we don't know if we'd be able to find a quality tablet for the price range mentioned above.

Clothing, toys or extra books are always an option, if we can't figure out anything else.  I also like the idea of spending money on 'an experience' rather than material things.  Only time will tell.....and suggestions are more than welcome!

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If interested in learning more about the products listed in this blog, please click on the affiliate links below:
- Elmo Play All Day
- Melissa & Doug Jumbo Triangular Crayons
- Melissa & Doug Jumbo Coloring Pad
- Gymboree (Click on link to receive 25% off your first order.)

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Popular articles/blog posts on Christmas gifts for toddlers are listed below:

1. 100 Frugal or Free Christmas Gifts for Toddlers
2. Gifts Toddlers Actually Want for Christmas
3. All I Want for Christmas Are These Gifts For My Toddler

Love & Respect

Welcome to This is me…..Then!  If you like what you see, subscribe here for free updates, or you can “like” my Facebook page here and receive new posts in your news stream.  Once you like my page, you can choose to see posts in your newsfeed first or receive a notification for each post made.  Thanks for visiting!

 

During the month of July, we attended a 4-week marriage conference at Fellowship Alliance Chapel (FAC) in Medford, NJ.

There were many takeaways that we got from the conference. The most tangible were:

1) Matching T-Shirts (mine not shown)

 

 

2) A book entitled, "Love & Respect"

 

 

The philosophy of this book is based on Ephesians 5:33, which reads: 

 

“However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” (NIV)

 

According to the author, this is the secret (and God given instructions) to a happy marriage.....or at least a marriage that is pleasing in God's eyes. 

 

RULES OF THE GAME:

 

- Women have an innate need to have someone love them, to make them special and to make them the most important one in their life. Men have the need to feel respected and admired by the woman in his life. 

 

- When women do not feel love from their spouse, they tend to be disrespectful towards them. When the man feels disrespected, he tends to withdraw his love. This is called the "Crazy Cycle" because it goes on an on in a downward spiral, unless someone decides to make a change. 

 

- Who should make the first move?  The one who sees himself or herself as the most mature. 

Taking the role of the mature mate and moving first may be risky, but it is very powerful. The fear, of course, is that you will show love or respect to your spouse and get a bad response.    However, holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away. Being mature and making the first move could slow it down or even stop the crazy cycle.....and take you to the "Energizing Cycle. "

 

The basic principle of the Energizing Cycle is as follows:

HIS LOVE MOTIVATES HER RESPECT; HER RESPECT MOTIVATES HIS LOVE

 

What if your spouse is unmotivated, no matter how you act towards them?

 

A HUSBAND IS TO OBEY THE COMMAND TO LOVE EVEN IF HIS WIFE DOES NOT OBEY THE COMMAND TO RESPECT, AND A WIFE IS TO OBEY THE OMMAND TO RESPECT EVEN IF THE HUSBAND DOES NOT OBEY THE COMMAND TO LOVE, UNCONDITIONALLY.

 

This brings us to the "Rewarded Cycle." 

 

HIS LOVE BLESSES REGARDLESS OF HER RESPECT; HER RESPECT BLESSES REGARDLESS OF HIS LOVE. 

 

Throughout the book, the author emphasizes that if the husband and wife are both people of basic good will, they can use Love and Respect principles to make a bad marriage into a good one and a good marriage into a great one.  However, even if your wife does not show you respect or your husband does not show you love, God commanded men to love their wives and women to respect their husbands.......unconditionally!

 

Unconditional love and unconditional respect will be rewarded. 

 

If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that?  (Matthew 5:46 NIV)

 

Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not people, because you know that the Lord will reward each one for whatever good they do, whether they are slave or free.  (Ephesians 6:7-8 NIV)

 

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.  Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.  Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.  Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.  In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies.  He who loves his wife loves himself.  After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church--for we are members of his body.  "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."  This is a profound mystery--but I am talking about Christ and the church.  However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.  (Ephesians 5:21-33 NIV)

 

What you do matters to God. Nothing is wasted. 

 

*This book can be purchased on Amazon.com



When your back's against the wall, what do you do?

Welcome to This is me…..Then!  If you like what you see, subscribe here for free updates, or you can “like” my Facebook page here and receive new posts in your news stream.  Once you like my page, you can choose to see posts in your newsfeed first or receive a notification for each post made.  Thanks for visiting!  This post may contain affiliate links.

I was listening to a Dr. Laura podcast this morning (mentioned her in a previous blog) and a lady called because she found out that her husband had been involved in a 6-month affair. 

 

She became suspicious due to excessive text messaging and approached him about it. He denied it and said he and the lady were "just friends."  Upon further 'investigation' she presented him with cold, hard facts, at which point he admitted it and agreed to go to therapy. While in therapy, she also found out he had cheated on her while she was pregnant with their second child. 

 

Dr. Laura first had her take some responsibility for her part in possibly focusing too much on the children and not him. She also mentioned that the character of a man who would screw another woman while his wife is carrying his child is pretty much a low-life and that marital therapy can help to improve situational issues, but is pretty much useless in changing a person's character. 

Dr. Laura initially is leaning towards helping the lady gain the strength to leave the marriage, but clearly the wife is finding every excuse to excuse her husband's behavior.  The wife describes him as a good man who totally doesn't fit the profile of a 'bad man,' as he's nice to her and the children, is an otherwise good father and provides for the family. 

So, given this circumstance, what would you do?  If a friend had this issue, what advice would you give her?

Well, Dr. Laura gave this advice (paraphrased):

"You have 2 kids, don't have any others. You have 2 kids to raise and you want to keep it copacetic. Stop checking his emails and text messages and assume he's going to screw around...just ask him to at least not disrespect the home by bringing them to your house again. Just try to get along until the kids are grown and then you can make your decision.  For the sake of he's supporting the family and being good with the kids, you just smile and be the Stepford wife until the kids are grown."

 

As most people know, I have this new outlook on life and dealing with difficult relationships and situations.

1.    Maintain the status quo

2.    Ending the relationship

3.    Making the relationship better

 

How does this all fit into the advice given by Dr. Laura?  I believe she is suggesting that the lady choose option 1.  Why?

-Option 2 is clearly something the wife has a hard time coming to terms with.  While her husband is a lying cheat, he is a 'good' father and husband (although, in my opinion, the cheating makes him not so good).  He also is the main provider of the household.  If she leaves the relationship, not only will she possibly be struggling financially, she will have less time to spend mothering her children and the dad will end up either being an absentee father or she and her children will have to deal with visitations with dad and his new bimbo of the week (Dr. Laura's words, not mine).

-Option 3 is void if and when there is addiction, abuse or psychopathy involved.  In Dr. Laura's opinion, while some of the infidelity may be circumstantial, the fact that he cheated while she was pregnant and basically lived a double life until found out and lied about it until proof was given and tried to flip it on the wife to make it into her fault….but totally not fit the profile of this type of person…..is basically a psychopathy-like characteristic.  Although she wasn't able to meet him in order to provide a full diagnosis, she assumed for the purpose of the call that he fell into that category, so basically voided this option.

 

So, in some situations, is maintaining the status quo (even if it's not a good one) the best option?  I'm assuming that if the husband was outright cheating, bringing STDs and illegitimate children into the marriage or being abusive, then ending the relationship would be the only option.  However, since the affairs are discreet and the wife feels strongly about wanting her children to have a stable childhood……there are other options to make that happen.  Thoughts?  Questions?  Concerns?

* Dr. Laura Schlessinger is the incredibly popular and controversial psychotherapist who hosts a nationally syndicated, top-rated midday radio talk show. She is also an author who has written several books on relationships, moral and ethical issues.  Popular titles include:
The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands
Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives
How Could You Do That?!: Abdication of Character, Courage & Conscience
Surviving a Shark Attack (On Land): Overcoming Betrayal and Dealing with Revenge

o________o THE BLANK STARE

I was just approached and asked to do something absolutely ridiculous.  In response, I said this: o________o

 

In response, they said, "What does that mean?"

 

Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you to THE BLANK STARE!

 

Every male on the planet knows about "The Look." It begins in early childhood when the misbehaving manling transgresses a known or unknown law and receives, from his mother, "The Look." He will receive "The Look" from hundreds, perhaps thousands, of females over his lifetime and will always be terrified and shaken by the experience.  However, women are familiar with a maddening expression that males have developed to a fine art over the years. Women have "The Look." Men have "The Blank Stare." All women have seen this expression through the years, especially when males feel they are put on the spot. "Honey, does this dress make me look fat?" she says sweetly.   She is met by The Blank Stare.   Two young lovers are sharing an intimate moment away from the crowds under the privacy of the stars. "I love you," he whispers. "How much do you love me?" she inquires. Says he, "I would cross oceans for you, scale the highest mountain, fight off ravening hoards of barbarians for you, my love." Innocently she asks, "Do you love me enough to marry me?"   Blank Stare.   The Blank Stare begins early in life, even before the man's earliest memory. Two principles are learned early on.  Principle Number One: "It is bad to lie."  Principle Number Two: "Sometimes if you tell the truth, pain follows."  For example, Johnny, only three years old, opens the door to the fridge and tries to pull out the gallon of milk. The milk is way too heavy, but he is thirsty, and besides Mom is upstairs in the bedroom.  He knows better than to do this because he has gotten into trouble before.  Yet, because males are afflicted with a terminal condition called "testosterone poisoning" they do dumb things.  The milk drops to the floor with a crash, the plastic container ruptures, and an explosion of milk covers Johnny and the kitchen floor.  Hearing the crash, Mom rushes to the kitchen where Johnny is standing, eyes innocent, dripping with milk.  "What happened in here?" she screams. Principle Number One begins to kick in: "Do not lie."  However, Principle Number Two also comes into play: "If you tell the truth, you will get your butt beat." Faced with this tension of truth versus pain, little Johnny looks at mommy in silence and blinks.   The Blank Stare is born.   It doesn't work, of course, and never will because women inflict the pain anyway.  But because males are males, they continue to react in the same old ways whether the techniques work or not.  Johnny knows that mommy knows. Johnny knows that he will probably be punished.  Yet, because he doesn't want to lie and because he hopes, against hope, that somehow he can get out of this mess ... he stares.   It should be said, however, that the blank stare is only offered to women. If a man challenges another man - "Hey, who left this mess in here?" - the testosterone afflicted male issues his own challenge "Yeah?  Who wants to know?" Arguments begin, words are exchanged, and fists may fly.  But the Blank Stare is never given to another male.  Well, maybe to a male in ultimate authority like a police officer or a father... but most males just either tell the truth or lie under those circumstances.  If a man says to another male (which he would never do), "Does this swim suit make me look fat?" the reply likely will be, "Why no, Porky, why do you ask?" Imagine saying that to a woman.  Pain would follow for sure.   Sometimes the Blank Stare is modified.  First of all, one has to realize that the purpose of the Blank Stare is to avoid unpleasantness.  Another motivation of the Blank Stare is to buy time to try to think up an excuse that is not actually a lie.  Hence a few modifications: "Honey," she says, after asking an answerable question, "did you hear me?" "Drat," he thinks, "the blank stare isn't working." "Um, I'm sorry dear, were you saying something?" Now she has to repeat the question she originally asked. The hapless man has just bought an extra thirty seconds.   It won't work, of course, it never does.  "I'm sorry dear, my mind was somewhere else, would you mind repeating that?" Whatever tactic employed, it only delays the pain.   Women are smart.  Men need to own up to that little fact.  If she asks the "do-I-look-fat-in-this" question and we don't reply, she knows the answer is, "Does Moby Dick sleep in the sea?"   If we were smart, we would just tell the truth and take our punishment.  Or if we were devious, we would just lie and then take our punishment because the female always knows when the male is lying.  But because we are noble and caring (though suffering from testosterone poisoning) we try not to lie and we try to spare feelings.  You see, the Blank Stare is actually the highest form of caring for the female.  It is a sign of the latent goodness and honour of the man.   The Blank Stare is really a compliment to the relationship that we share with the female and a way of offering respect and dignity.  Women should understand what we are trying to do, appreciate the sincere efforts we are making, and just quietly back off and accept our stare as a positive affirmation of them.

*Please note that this portions of this blog post are excerpts from another blog post available on several online websites.

Too sexy, too laid back, too independent... Why some women just AREN'T marriage material

So, I came across the below article and knew I HAD to post it.  The topic of dating and dating that leads to marriage comes up constantly in conversations with both family and friends.  I recently asked my husband what it was about me that attracted him to be 1) my boyfriend and 2) my husband 3 1/2 years later.....and I must say that some of the things written in this adds up.  Also, I look at the other married couples that I know of......same thing.  Hmm....maybe they have a point here.  Thoughts?

By Frances Childs
21 November 2011

We’ve all heard — or perhaps experienced — a version of this story: man meets woman, they fall in love, date for a while, move in together. They frame photos, arrange them on the walls, pick out furniture, make a nest.

A few years on, marriage is on her mind. But she puts no pressure on him — he’ll ask when he’s ready, right? He doesn’t. She doesn’t push it. The relationship stagnates. Man leaves woman. Man swiftly marries subsequent girlfriend, leaving ex mystified and heartbroken.

This is what happened to Laura Hall, a 34-year-old financial adviser from London. Laura had been living with Douglas for four years when he walked out. ‘I just let the relationship drift on, hoping he’d pop the question in his own time. But he never did. I was devastated when he left.’
 

John Molloy, author of Why Men Marry Some Women And Not Others, says that many women simply do not push hard enough for marriage

And she was even more devastated when she heard he’d proposed to his next girlfriend within a matter of months. But why her and not Laura? Does it mean there are some women who are acceptable as a girlfriend, but not really quite the ticket when it comes to getting hitched?
A recent celebrity example that comes to mind is Pippa Middleton. With her long, luscious hair and legs to die for, Pippa is one of the most eligible women on the planet. The sister-in-law to the future King of England possesses an undeniable sex appeal, not to mention perhaps the most lusted-after derriere in the world.

Yet, according to reports, Pippa’s 18-month romance with Old Etonian Alex Loudon recently ended because his family considered her not quite ‘wife material’ — a phrase guaranteed to make female hackles rise. In this supposedly egalitarian age, is there really such a thing as ‘wife material’?

 Well, yes, according to John Molloy, author of Why Men Marry Some Women And Not Others. Molloy claims there are definite types of women that men marry — and, equally definitely, women they do not.

Molloy interviewed more than 3,500 people in his quest to discover exactly why men pop the question to some of us and not others. When he asked men who were about to be married to describe their fiancees, only 20 per cent said ‘gorgeous’ or ‘sexy’. The others focused on their future wives’ personalities.

According to reports, Pippa Middleton's 18-month romance with Old Etonian Alex Loudon ended because his family considered her not quite 'wife material'

One man summed up his future bride as ‘the kind of woman you can take anywhere and be proud of’ — a sentiment echoed by many other men in the course of Molloy’s research. More than 30 per cent of the men Molloy interviewed who were about to get married said their family’s positive opinion of their future bride had helped them decide she was ‘the one’ — and most parents aren’t looking for an incredibly sexy or very attention-seeking spouse for their son.

There’s another good reason why men eschew sexiness in favour of other qualities when they look for a wife. ‘Men don’t look for very sexy wives, because — at a very basic animal level — they want to be sure the children they are raising are their own,’ explains psychologist Dr Jane McCartney, an expert in human behaviour and relationships. ‘Men are attracted to qualities such as loyalty, discretion and kindness when they look for a wife. Feisty and flirty is fine for a girlfriend. It’s just not what men want in life partners.

Frances says Pippa may well be rueing the day she allowed herself to be photographed being hoisted in the air by her ex-boyfriend Charlie Astor

Just look at feisty, flirty, gorgeous Cameron Diaz. Men fall for her in their droves, yet she always ends up single again. If we believe Molloy’s thesis, Cameron’s just too sexy — on some deep, evolutionary level, the men she dates don’t believe she’ll stick around.

But while men apparently don’t want sexy wives, they do want women who take care of themselves. Molloy found women who are slim and well-groomed with nice hair and nails are prized, although those who wear revealing, attention-grabbing clothes are not.
It all sounds a bit schizophrenic: men want to marry women who are sexy and fit, but not too sexy and fit.
 Another reason women find themselves without a ring on their finger, Molloy says, is that many simply do not push hard enough for it. He found 73 per cent of the wives-to-be he spoke to had forced the issue themselves rather than waiting for a romantic proposal.
 This rings true for Laura Hall. ‘I should have been clear about how much marriage meant to me,’ she says now. ‘I was living with him, doing all the things a wife does, but without a ring on my finger. He could just walk out and in the end that’s exactly what he did.’

While she concedes things had become stale between them, she says it happened precisely because the relationship had lost its momentum — the explicit acknowledgement of commitment that typically leads to engagement, then marriage, then children.

Experts say this is common when couples live together. According to Dr Joel Block, psychologist and author of the book The Real Reasons Men Commit, women need to be wary of serial co-habiters. If a man has had more than one live-in relationship, he is less likely to marry than a man who hasn’t or who is in his first co-habiting relationship.

'Lukewarm': Loudon's parents James and Jane Loudon didn't see Pippa as wife material for their son

If you are with a man who has lived with someone before and you want to get married, you need to say so and stick to your guns early on in the relationship. Make your wishes known. It worked for Gemma Jones, 30, a childminder from Kent. ‘I lived with Mark for a year and then I told him I wanted to get married. He was a bit fazed at first and came out with lines like “it’s only a bit of paper” but I explained that marriage was important to me and to my family, who are Roman Catholics.’

‘Mark agreed to set a date when he understood that I really wanted to get married and that I wouldn’t be happy if the relationship just carried on,’ she explains.
 Research also demonstrates that men prize women who don’t cook and clean for them as a matter of course. As one man in the survey ungallantly put it: ‘No one marries a servant.’ It seems that men are attracted to women who are aware of their own self-worth. But nowadays isn’t co-habiting merely a sensible step to take before vowing to spend the rest of your life together?

Psychologists agree that moving in together is fine — as long as both people are clear about where they think it will lead. ‘Simply put, most men place marriage on a higher level of commitment than just living together,’ explains Block. ‘While women might think that living together is a step towards marriage, many men view it as a way of buying time — or worse, a good option until they find their future wife.

Too sexy? Cameron Diaz dated Justin Timberlake for three years, but ended up single again

John Molloy is equally blunt. ‘The statistics say most men propose after 22 months. For the next three-and-a-half years, the prospects of marriage gradually diminish. After seven years, the likelihood you’ll get married is virtually nil,’ he says. ‘If you want to get married, statistically speaking, you should start to look seriously for a husband at 28.’
Molloy also advises a little lowering of standards. Some women never get married, he says, because they are simply too fussy. Of the women he interviewed who were about to get married, 20 per cent admitted disliking their future husbands when they first met them. ‘Of course, you should have standards, but it sometimes pays to give men a second or even third chance,’ Molloy advises.
 Web designer Nicki Carter from Reading, who at 41 has never been married, worries that now she never will. She ruefully admits: ‘I was probably too picky. I finished with one boyfriend because I thought he wasn’t focused enough on his career. And I finished with another one because I decided he was too possessive.

‘In fact, he was madly in love with me, handsome, funny, well-educated and kind. He wanted to marry me but I wasn’t interested. I always thought I could do better and now I wonder if I was wrong.’Joel Block argues that there is no such thing as perfect. ‘I think that women who are growing older as they search for Mr Right should reconsider. Would finding Mr “Almost Right” be better than a single life?’ he asks. For some it wouldn’t. ‘Some women just don’t want to get married. They aren’t the marrying type,’ Molloy says.

Whether Pippa is or isn’t remains to be seen. Certainly, she will have no shortage of eligible suitors queuing up to replace Alex Loudon and, at 28, she’s hardly left on the shelf. However, she may well be rueing the day that, dressed in that plunging, cleavage-enhancing scarlet dress, she allowed herself to be photographed being hoisted in the air by her ex-boyfriend Charlie Astor on the dance floor at the Boodles ball.