My Hair Journey - 2013

I have a new obsession.  My hair.

 

While I was pregnant, I stopped getting relaxers.  I expected to go completely crazy trying to get my hair under control.  However, I came to a whole new discovery.  My discovery was that I have really nice natural hair.  Not the 'white' or 'slave mentality' definition of nice hair, but what I consider nice. Thick and healthy and tightly curled......like really curly hair.

 

Anyway, during this time, I started researching ways to control and take care of my natural hair.....thus my obsession began.  Apparently, there is a whole community of African-American hair aficionados out there that have mastered natural, relaxed and texlaxed hair care.  They often do a big hair chop and then go on what they call a 'hair journey.'  Two years later, they have hair down there backs and in some cases it's down to their waist....and it's thick and healthy.

 

So, knowing that I have these preconceived 'age laws' that I have about hair that includes not wearing long hair past the age of 40 and not allowing your gray to show until you turn 50, I have decided that I only have a few years left to go on a hair growth journey.  Of course, I will always want healthy hair at any age, but once I'm 40, I really don't think it will be appropriate for me to have hair past my shoulders.  So......I really need to get a move on it.

 

First, I have decided to stop getting bone straight relaxers and begin under processing my hair into a texlax stage.  This will, over time, allow me to wear my hair straight when I want and also be able to wear it curly when the mood hits me.  It will also allow my hair to be healthier, thicker and stronger, as well as making it easier for my hair to take color.  Since little grays are sprouting up in various places in my hair, color will be very important for the next decade and a half.  I am also going to stretch my relaxers to no more than 4 times per year.....so basically, I will only be getting a relaxer once a quarter.  I used to get relaxers every 6-8 weeks.  I leave for Jamaica next Wednesday, so will be getting a texlax (or mild relaxer) tomorrow.  My hair's in pretty good condition, so I don't think I need to do a big chop, but if a trim is needed, I will get it.

 

Thus, tomorrow begins my hair journey.  :-D

 

My hair regimen will be as follows for the remainder of 2013.  I will evaluate and modify it at the end of the year, if necessary.

 

Daily

- moisturize and seal nightly

- wear protective and/or low manipulation styles on hair

- wear a silk or satin scarf/bonnet on hair or sleep on a silk or satin pillow case

 

Weekly/Bi-weekly 

- oil and massage scalp

- pre-poo hair

- Wash hair with a moisturizing shampoo

- Deep condition hair with a moisturizing conditioner

- apply leave-in conditioner

- air-dry hair (using scarf method or natural styles) or roller-set hair (using heat protectant and only blowing the roots)

 

Monthly

- direct heat will only be used on my hair once a month and/or on special occasions/events

 

Quarterly

- protein treatment 2 weeks before texlax

- light or mild relaxer (texlax)

- clip damaged ends and dust ends, where needed

- protein treatment 2 weeks after texlax

 

Semi-Annually

- Get ends trimmed

 

Annually

- reevaluate hair regimen

 

 

* A texlax can be performed in a variety of ways.

  - quickly put a normal relaxer in hair and rinse out within half the time recommended

  - add natural oils into your relaxer to slow down the relaxing process

  - add protective oils/gel directly to your new growth and remaining hair to slow down relaxing process

  - use a mild relaxer (assuming you have coarse hair)

I'm not saying it.  She is!

 

There was a new show that came on after The Voice on Tuesday night, called "Ready for Love."  Ready for Love  is a new reality show, where 3 guys are in search for love with the help of 3 matchmakers.  I really wasn't interested in the show, but since nothing else was on at the time, my husband and I watched.  On this night, Tim, the lead singer of the Plain White T's rock group was the focus.  Of the many females that was vying for Tim's attention, one of the girls was a 'friend' from his past that has secretly loved him and decided to audition for the show when she found out that he would be the main prospect.  While she was able to get through the initial filtering process, she was gone by the end of the night.  He eliminated her.  Although she didn't completely admit this, it was obvious that they were a little more than friends....they were more like friends with benefits.  However, Tim was clearly interested in more at this stage in his life and this 'friend' of his was clearly not what he was looking for.

 

Leah (the 'friend') was definitely one of the more attractive girls on the show, had a career and seemed to be well spoken.  The fact that they have been friends for many years tells me that she had a pretty decent personality.  However, Tim was not interested.  Why?  What makes a girl marriage material for a guy?  Sure, lots of girls feel that they are marriage material, but many of these same women can't get a man/husband to save their lives. 

 

Well, according to one of the matchmakers on the show, Tracy McMillan, there are definitely reasons why these women are not married.....and it's not the fault of the man.  The below article was written by Tracy McMillan and entitled, "Why You're Not Married."  She has also written a book of a similar title called, "Why You're Not Married....Yet: The straight talk you need to get the relationship you deserve." 

 

While I am clearly married, I still have interest in reading this book.  My focus will be on making sure that I strengthen those weaker characteristics that I may have, so that my husband doesn't feel regret for marrying me.  I'm constantly trying to improve in all aspects of my life and they always say that how you get them is how you keep them, so...... I take all things into consideration, including to maintain the characteristics that made/makes me the material that a guy (the right guy) has no choice but to put a ring on it.

 

Unrelated SideNote Alert: I was watching "The Talk" the other day and one of the hosts, Aisha Tyler mentioned the mantra she believes about her husband/marriage, which I decided was my manta, as well.  All females before me were a mistake and any after me are a downgrade.  Hahaha!  This is so true.....I really feel this way. 

 

Why You're Not Married

You want to get married. It's taken a while to admit it. Saying it out loud -- even in your mind -- feels kind of desperate, kind of unfeminist, kind of definitely not you, or at least not any you that you recognize. Because you're hardly like those girls on TLC saying yes to the dress and you would never compete for a man like those poor actress-wannabes on The Bachelor.

You've never dreamt of an aqua-blue ring box.

Then, something happened. Another birthday, maybe. A breakup. Your brother's wedding. His wife-elect asked you to be a bridesmaid, and suddenly there you were, wondering how in hell you came to be 36-years-old, walking down the aisle wearing something halfway decent from J. Crew that you could totally repurpose with a cute pair of boots and a jean jacket. You started to hate the bride -- she was so effing happy -- and for the first time ever you began to have feelings about the fact that you're not married. You never really cared that much before. But suddenly (it was so sudden) you found yourself wondering... Deep, deep breath... Why you're not married.

Well, I know why.

How? It basically comes down to this: I've been married three times. Yes, three. To a very nice mba at 19; a very nice minister's son at 32 (and pregnant); and at 40, to a very nice liar and cheater who was just like my dad, if my dad had gone to Harvard instead of doing multiple stints in federal prison.

I was, for some reason, born knowing how to get married. Growing up in foster care is a big part of it. The need for security made me look for very specific traits in the men I dated -- traits it turns out lead to marriage a surprisingly high percentage of the time. Without really trying to, I've become a sort of jailhouse lawyer of relationships -- someone who's had to do so much work on her own case that I can now help you with yours.

But I won't lie. The problem is not men, it's you. Sure, there are lame men out there, but they're not really standing in your way. Because the fact is -- if whatever you're doing right now was going to get you married, you'd already have a ring on. So without further ado, let's look at the top six reasons why you're not married.

1. You're a Bitch.
Here's what I mean by bitch. I mean you're angry. You probably don't think you're angry. You think you're super smart, or if you've been to a lot of therapy, that you're setting boundaries. But the truth is you're pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it's scaring men off.

The deal is: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them. I am the mother of a 13-year-old boy, which is like living with the single-cell protozoa version of a husband. Here's what my son wants out of life: macaroni and cheese, a video game, and Kim Kardashian. Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian angry? I didn't think so. You've seen Kim Kardashian smile, wiggle, and make a sex tape. Female anger terrifies men. I know it seems unfair that you have to work around a man's fear and insecurity in order to get married -- but actually, it's perfect, since working around a man's fear and insecurity is big part of what you'll be doing as a wife.

2. You're Shallow.
When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really, truly matters: character. So it stands to reason that a man's character should be at the top of the list of things you are looking for, right? But if you're not married, I already know it isn't. Because if you were looking for a man of character, you would have found one by now. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit.

Instead, you are looking for someone tall. Or rich. Or someone who knows what an Eames chair is. Unfortunately, this is not the thinking of a wife. This is the thinking of a teenaged girl. And men of character do not want to marry teenaged girls. Because teenage girls are never happy. And they never feel like cooking, either.

3. You're a Slut.
Hooking up with some guy in a hot tub on a rooftop is fine for the ladies of Jersey Shore -- but they're not trying to get married. You are. Which means, unfortunately, that if you're having sex outside committed relationships, you will have to stop. Why? Because past a certain age, casual sex is like recreational heroin -- it doesn't stay recreational for long.

That's due in part to this thing called oxytocin -- a bonding hormone that is released when a woman a) nurses her baby and b) has an orgasm -- that will totally mess up your casual-sex game. It's why you can be f**k-buddying with some dude who isn't even all that great and the next thing you know, you're totally strung out on him. And you have no idea how it happened. Oxytocin, that's how it happened. And since nature can't discriminate between marriage material and Charlie Sheen, you're going to have to start being way more selective than you are right now.

4. You're a Liar.
It usually goes something like this: you meet a guy who is cute and likes you, but he's not really available for a relationship. He has some condition that absolutely precludes his availability, like he's married, or he gets around town on a skateboard. Or maybe he just comes right out and says something cryptic and open to interpretation like, "I'm not really available for a relationship right now."

You know if you tell him the truth -- that you're ready for marriage -- he will stop calling. Usually that day. And you don't want that. So you just tell him how perfect this is because you only want to have sex for fun! You love having fun sex! And you don't want to get in a relationship at all! You swear!

About ten minutes later, the oxytocin kicks in. You start wanting more. But you don't tell him that. That's your secret -- just between you and 22,000 of your closest girlfriends. Instead, you hang around, having sex with him, waiting for him to figure out that he can't live without you. I have news: he will never "figure" this out. He already knows he can live without you just fine. And so do you. Or you wouldn't be lying to him in the first place.

5. You're Selfish.
If you're not married, chances are you think a lot about you. You think about your thighs, your outfits, your naso-labial folds. You think about your career, or if you don't have one, you think about doing yoga teacher training. Sometimes you think about how marrying a wealthy guy -- or at least a guy with a really, really good job -- would solve all your problems.

Howevs, a good wife, even a halfway decent one, does not spend most of her day thinking about herself. She has too much s**t to do, especially after having kids. This is why you see a lot of celebrity women getting husbands after they adopt. The kids put the woman on notice: Bitch, hello! It's not all about you anymore! After a year or two of thinking about someone other than herself, suddenly, Brad Pitt or Harrison Ford comes along and decides to significantly other her. Which is also to say -- if what you really want is a baby, go get you one. Your husband will be along shortly. Motherhood has a way of weeding out the lotharios.

6. You're Not Good Enough.
Oh, I don't think that. You do. I can tell because you're not looking for a partner who is your equal. No, you want someone better than you are: better looking, better family, better job.

Here is what you need to know: You are enough right this minute. Period. Not understanding this is a major obstacle to getting married, since women who don't know their own worth make terrible wives. Why? You can fake it for a while, but ultimately you won't love your spouse any better than you love yourself. Smart men know this.

I see this at my son's artsy, progressive school. Of 183 kids, maybe six have moms who are as cute as you're trying to be. They're attractive, sure. They're just not objects. Their husbands (wisely) chose them for their character, not their cup size.

Alright, so that's the bad news. The good news is that I believe every woman who wants to can find a great partner. You're just going to need to get rid of the idea that marriage will make you happy. It won't. Once the initial high wears off, you'll just be you, except with twice as much laundry.

Because ultimately, marriage is not about getting something -- it's about giving it. Strangely, men understand this more than we do. Probably because for them marriage involves sacrificing their most treasured possession -- a free-agent penis -- and for us, it's the culmination of a princess fantasy so universal, it built Disneyland.

The bottom line is that marriage is just a long-term opportunity to practice loving someone even when they don't deserve it. Because most of the time, your messy, farting, macaroni-and-cheese eating man will not be doing what you want him to. But as you give him love anyway -- because you have made up your mind to transform yourself into a person who is practicing being kind, deep, virtuous, truthful, giving, and most of all, accepting of your own dear self -- you will find that you will experience the very thing you wanted all along:

Love.

The Mermaid Theory

Some people call it getting "Caught Up."  I refer to it as "The Mermaid Theory."

 

During my 6-week short-term disability stint, I have been able to catch up on loads of television (For the record, I am also getting much needed rest and catching up on household chores, reading, meditating, etc., etc.) that I would normally miss because I'm too busy with work, errands, household chores and my close to 4 hours a day commute.  Yesterday, I was watching back-to-back episodes of 'How I Met Your Mother,' which introduced me to a theory that I always kind of believed in, but never had a name.

The Mermaid Theory provides a reasonable explanation to why an attractive young girl would develop a crush on an otherwise unattractive male, while they are both attending a summer program together in another town where they do not know anyone but each other.

 

The Mermaid Theory provides a reasonable explanation to why a male would become enamored with an unattractive female colleague with decent conversation, but an otherwise repulsive lifestyle that would/could never match his.

 

The Mermaid Theory provides a reasonable explanation to why Bill Clinton had an affair with Monica Lewinsky, why my step dad moved on to the legal secretary at his job and why countless men/women have affairs and become obsessed with less than ideal people of the opposite sex, with which they work with or otherwise come in contact with on a regular basis.

 

The Mermaid Theory is as follows:

 

The Mermaid Theory proves that a chick's hotness – as measured in units of how much you want to bone her – increases in direct proportion to the time exposed to her.  The theory draws its uniquely and incredibly creative nomenclature from the olden days, before airplanes made boats obsolete…

 

Sailors and explorers on particularly long voyages found that manatees – those large blubbery water creatures – would magically morph into beautiful mermaids that said sailors wanted to knock flippers with. Thus, the legend of mermaids was born, straight out of the male mind's unfaltering desire to find something, anything, to stick it to.

For the modern male the theory translates as follows: No matter how hot or unhot a woman is, eventually you will want to sleep with her. The time it takes for this process to occur is the chick's "Mermaid Clock." It starts the first time you lay eyes on a chick* and stops ticking the instant you want to get your jam on.

(Source: http://www.barneystinsonblog.com/how-be-awesome-chapter-83-mermaid-theory/#.UV7uQyafCDE.gmail)

 

In my research on The Mermaid Theory, I also came across another blog that explores the accuracy of The Mermaid Theory.  I actually stole some of my examples from this blog, as well as used this blog as a starting point to come up with some examples of my own.  Think about it.  The Mermaid Theory; is it true?

 

The Mermaid Theory: Is it True?

 August 7, 2011 | Posted by Johnny Sacks

 

If you're a fan of the CBS show How I Met Your Mother, then you know that Barney Stinson, who is famous for his womanizing on the sitcom, has an abundance of social theories, most of which revolve around getting laid.

One of these theories is "The Mermaid Theory." According to Barney, The Mermaid Theory is based off the legend that hundreds of years ago, sailors who were at sea for long periods of time would be so desperate for female companionship that they would see manatees in the water as beautiful mermaids.

In modern day terms, Stinson describes the mermaid theory as so:

Every woman, no matter how initially unattractive, has a clock that represents the time it takes for a man to realize he wants to "bone her." Typically the woman in question is someone close to you that you see on a regular basis. Perhaps it's a co-worker, a friend or a neighbor. Upon your initial meeting, you won't find this woman attractive at all, but over time, slowly but surely, you will want to have sex with her.

So is Barney right about the Mermaid Theory? To a certain extent he is. Certainly if the woman in question weighs 300 pounds and is disgusting in every way imaginable, not even an eternity would be enough to find her attractive. But for plain, slightly below average women (view my hotness scale for reference) this absolutely holds true. Allow me to explain why…

There are three reasons for this. The first reason is availability. Most men aren't close with many women outside of someone they are dating. It's hard for us to meet women. We try to pick up chicks at bars and parties but more often than not we fail miserably. Our success rate is worse than Adam Dunn's batting average. We come up with awful methods for picking up chicks, like hollering at a girl passing by a construction site or beeping the horn at a hot girl jogging. Like Jerry Seinfeld says, sadly these are the best ideas we have. We see these women on an everyday basis and that alone makes them more attractive over time.

The second reason is our imagination. Often times, particularly in a work environment, these mermaids must interact with us on a daily basis. If this woman is the slightest bit friendly, most men we will immediately begin to think she wants to sleep together. I can't really explain this phenomenon but for some reason men think life is like an episode of Mad Men. We think any woman who gives us the time of day is down to fuck.

Once we entertain the idea that having sex with this person is plausible, our imagination goes to work. We start playing out fantasies in our head such as thinking what it would be like to have sex on our desks during a lunch break. The more wild scenarios we can conjure up in our head, the more attractive this woman becomes to us.

The final reason the Mermaid Theory holds true is because of laziness. Men have a lot going on in their lives. We're very busy earning a living and running our fantasy football teams. We don't have the time or the energy to try picking up women. We just want to have sex without having to put out much of an effort. These "mermaids," are our best chances to have sex without going through the hassle of dating first.

To further prove Barney's theory, let me illustrate two real-world examples of the Mermaid Theory in action.

Former U.S. President Bill Clinton is probably most famous for the "sexual relations" he had with a large, unattractive White House intern by the name of Monica Lewinsky. Clinton, as the most powerful man in the world, probably could have had his pick of any woman he wanted but he chose to sleep with a fatty. So why would the Leader of the Free World do this?

Because of The Mermaid Theory of course!

Clinton ended up fooling around with Lewisnky because she was readily available, he didn't have a lot of free time and he fantasized about sticking a cigar up her vagina in the Oval Office.

Our second example involves Steve Phillips. Phillips was a former baseball general manager and an analyst for ESPN. He ruined his entire career by cheating on his wife and having sex with a fat production assistant who was much less attractive than his wife. Once again, The Mermaid Theory was to blame. The production assistant was around often and Phillips probably liked the idea of banging a 22-year old on road trips and couldn't shake that temptation. So he slept with her and lost a nice gig at ESPN in the process.

So as you can see, the Mermaid Theory is indeed true and as men we must be careful when it happens in our life. As you saw in this clip, Marshall took precautions to avoid the Mermaid Theory and so should you. More often than not, having sex with the mermaid will have bad results.

Work-Life Balance

I spent the day at my sister's house on Saturday, while my husband spent the day performing in a gospel play on Saturday.  Among the many topics discussed, we began talking about work-life balance and how I believe that "having it all" does not exist in real life.  This is a very pertinent topic because she is currently in a situations where the demands of work are threatening to take over her life and I am in a situation where I am expecting my very first child in the summer and am trying to figure out how I will be able to balance career, motherhood, wifehood and God.  My belief is that you must prioritize and in prioritizing, something will suffer.  I have strong beliefs about the order by which a person should abide. 

1. God
2. Spouse
3. Childen
4. All Else (ie. family, career, etc. etc.....I think the order of these vary depending on your situation.)

I digress, but my point is that having it all would involve being able to have 100% of the things you want 100% of the time. However, in real life, varying needs of various priorities in your life will cause you to have to sacrifice the other.  There is rarely a win-win situation. 

 

What do you do if there's a career changing opportunity at your job that requires you to work crazy hours, 6 days a week for the next year, but you also have a semi-new marriage and a 1-year old child?

 

You can pass up that great career opportunity and stay in the same or slightly higher position at your job or you can take that opportunity and cause a strain in your marriage and miss all the important landmarks in your 1-year old child's life.  You may still have a job, a spouse and a child, but something is suffering.  Is that having it all?

 

Anywho, the conversation with my sister is not what made me pull out a new entry in my blog post.  This op-ed article in The New York Times did.  Enjoy!

 

---

March 9, 2013

Is There Life After Work?

By ERIN CALLAN

SANIBEL, Fla.

AT an office party in 2005, one of my colleagues asked my then husband what I did on weekends. She knew me as someone with great intensity and energy. "Does she kayak, go rock climbing and then run a half marathon?" she joked. No, he answered simply, "she sleeps." And that was true. When I wasn't catching up on work, I spent my weekends recharging my batteries for the coming week. Work always came first, before my family, friends and marriage — which ended just a few years later.

In recent weeks I have been following with interest the escalating debate about work-life balance and the varying positions of Facebook's Sheryl Sandberg, Marissa Mayer of Yahoo and the academic Anne-Marie Slaughter, among others. Since I resigned my position as chief financial officer of Lehman Brothers in 2008, amid mounting chaos and a cloud of public humiliation only months before the company went bankrupt, I have had ample time to reflect on the decisions I made in balancing (or failing to balance) my job with the rest of my life. The fact that I call it "the rest of my life" gives you an indication where work stood in the pecking order.

I don't have children, so it might seem that my story lacks relevance to the work-life balance debate. Like everyone, though, I did have relationships — a spouse, friends and family — and none of them got the best version of me. They got what was left over.

I didn't start out with the goal of devoting all of myself to my job. It crept in over time. Each year that went by, slight modifications became the new normal. First I spent a half-hour on Sunday organizing my e-mail, to-do list and calendar to make Monday morning easier. Then I was working a few hours on Sunday, then all day. My boundaries slipped away until work was all that was left.

Inevitably, when I left my job, it devastated me. I couldn't just rally and move on. I did not know how to value who I was versus what I did. What I did was who I was.

I have spent several years now living a different version of my life, where I try to apply my energy to my new husband, Anthony, and the people whom I love and care about. But I can't make up for lost time. Most important, although I now have stepchildren, I missed having a child of my own. I am 47 years old, and Anthony and I have been trying in vitro fertilization for several years. We are still hoping.

Sometimes young women tell me they admire what I've done. As they see it, I worked hard for 20 years and can now spend the next 20 focused on other things. But that is not balance. I do not wish that for anyone. Even at the best times in my career, I was never deluded into thinking I had achieved any sort of rational allocation between my life at work and my life outside.

I have often wondered whether I would have been asked to be C.F.O. if I had not worked the way that I did. Until recently, I thought my singular focus on my career was the most powerful ingredient in my success. But I am beginning to realize that I sold myself short. I was talented, intelligent and energetic. It didn't have to be so extreme. Besides, there were diminishing returns to that kind of labor.

I didn't have to be on my BlackBerry from my first moment in the morning to my last moment at night. I didn't have to eat the majority of my meals at my desk. I didn't have to fly overnight to a meeting in Europe on my birthday. I now believe that I could have made it to a similar place with at least some better version of a personal life. Not without sacrifice — I don't think I could have "had it all" — but with somewhat more harmony.

I have also wondered where I would be today if Lehman Brothers hadn't collapsed. In 2007, I did start to have my doubts about the way I was living my life. Or not really living it. But I felt locked in to my career. I had just been asked to be C.F.O. I had a responsibility. Without the crisis, I may never have been strong enough to step away. Perhaps I needed what felt at the time like some of the worst experiences in my life to come to a place where I could be grateful for the life I had. I had to learn to begin to appreciate what was left.

At the end of the day, that is the best guidance I can give. Whatever valuable advice I have about managing a career, I am only now learning how to manage a life.

Erin Callan is the former chief financial officer of Lehman Brothers.

When your back's against the wall, what do you do?

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I was listening to a Dr. Laura podcast this morning (mentioned her in a previous blog) and a lady called because she found out that her husband had been involved in a 6-month affair. 

 

She became suspicious due to excessive text messaging and approached him about it. He denied it and said he and the lady were "just friends."  Upon further 'investigation' she presented him with cold, hard facts, at which point he admitted it and agreed to go to therapy. While in therapy, she also found out he had cheated on her while she was pregnant with their second child. 

 

Dr. Laura first had her take some responsibility for her part in possibly focusing too much on the children and not him. She also mentioned that the character of a man who would screw another woman while his wife is carrying his child is pretty much a low-life and that marital therapy can help to improve situational issues, but is pretty much useless in changing a person's character. 

Dr. Laura initially is leaning towards helping the lady gain the strength to leave the marriage, but clearly the wife is finding every excuse to excuse her husband's behavior.  The wife describes him as a good man who totally doesn't fit the profile of a 'bad man,' as he's nice to her and the children, is an otherwise good father and provides for the family. 

So, given this circumstance, what would you do?  If a friend had this issue, what advice would you give her?

Well, Dr. Laura gave this advice (paraphrased):

"You have 2 kids, don't have any others. You have 2 kids to raise and you want to keep it copacetic. Stop checking his emails and text messages and assume he's going to screw around...just ask him to at least not disrespect the home by bringing them to your house again. Just try to get along until the kids are grown and then you can make your decision.  For the sake of he's supporting the family and being good with the kids, you just smile and be the Stepford wife until the kids are grown."

 

As most people know, I have this new outlook on life and dealing with difficult relationships and situations.

1.    Maintain the status quo

2.    Ending the relationship

3.    Making the relationship better

 

How does this all fit into the advice given by Dr. Laura?  I believe she is suggesting that the lady choose option 1.  Why?

-Option 2 is clearly something the wife has a hard time coming to terms with.  While her husband is a lying cheat, he is a 'good' father and husband (although, in my opinion, the cheating makes him not so good).  He also is the main provider of the household.  If she leaves the relationship, not only will she possibly be struggling financially, she will have less time to spend mothering her children and the dad will end up either being an absentee father or she and her children will have to deal with visitations with dad and his new bimbo of the week (Dr. Laura's words, not mine).

-Option 3 is void if and when there is addiction, abuse or psychopathy involved.  In Dr. Laura's opinion, while some of the infidelity may be circumstantial, the fact that he cheated while she was pregnant and basically lived a double life until found out and lied about it until proof was given and tried to flip it on the wife to make it into her fault….but totally not fit the profile of this type of person…..is basically a psychopathy-like characteristic.  Although she wasn't able to meet him in order to provide a full diagnosis, she assumed for the purpose of the call that he fell into that category, so basically voided this option.

 

So, in some situations, is maintaining the status quo (even if it's not a good one) the best option?  I'm assuming that if the husband was outright cheating, bringing STDs and illegitimate children into the marriage or being abusive, then ending the relationship would be the only option.  However, since the affairs are discreet and the wife feels strongly about wanting her children to have a stable childhood……there are other options to make that happen.  Thoughts?  Questions?  Concerns?

* Dr. Laura Schlessinger is the incredibly popular and controversial psychotherapist who hosts a nationally syndicated, top-rated midday radio talk show. She is also an author who has written several books on relationships, moral and ethical issues.  Popular titles include:
The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands
Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives
How Could You Do That?!: Abdication of Character, Courage & Conscience
Surviving a Shark Attack (On Land): Overcoming Betrayal and Dealing with Revenge

The Virtues of BlackPlanet.com

 It all began several years ago while I was on a quest to find out more about a colleague (now former) of mine.  We would run into each other in the office kitchen and talk about life, hobbies, etc., etc.  I did then what I still do now…..I googled him.  Lo & behold, I came across a mention of him on BlackPlanet and I created a 'dummy' profile on the website, so that I could follow him more closely.  Aside from discovering that my colleague was a chubby chaser (a whole other story -- *side eye*), I discovered a whole other side of BlackPlanet that no one ever talks about.

 

I don't even remember signing up for it, but BlackPlanet comes out with a daily email blast that provides links to articles and videos about everything going on in black media, politics, health, spirituality, etc., etc.  This daily email is actually a one-stop shop where you can get all your celebrity gossip, find out the latest news on how politics are affecting the urban community (and ethnic people, in general), stay up-to-date on the latest fashion and health trends, listen to the latest gospel music and get a little inspirational message at the start of your day.

 

Today, like most days, I am focusing mainly on work, but trying to also read a couple of my personal emails on the side and delete some of my junk mail.  While reading today's BlackPlanet email, I came across an article about Denzel Washington and how he told his daughter that if she's going to pursue acting, she should model herself after someone like Viola Davis.  He explained that the only way she has a chance of succeeding in Hollywood as a dark-skinned African American woman is to truly be beyond talented at her craft, to the point where she cannot be denied.

 

Of course this one article sends me on a tailspin and I then watch the one-hour actor's roundtable video (Great video & great series to keep an eye on!!!!!), where he made this quote.  I also decide to look up details about his wife and children to get a better idea of what they were all working with.  Well…..in my search, I came across an article that, I believe, if internalized, will make me a better person and a better wife.  Enjoy an excerpt below!

 

Make It Last Forever: Denzel And Pauletta Washington

Feb 9, 2012

By HelloBeautifulStaff

 

Denzel didn't experience love at first sight when he met his wife Pauletta, but a year after the two met on the set of the 1977 film Wilma (in which they were co-starring)–Denzel knew she was something special.

 

Five years later they were married and built a beautiful family together which included four children who are all succeeding in their own right. Three are currently enrolled in college (Tisch, Yale and U.Penn) and one is a professional football player for the California Redwoods in the United Football League. A strong family unit speaks volumes of the family's foundation–the parents. Denzel and Pauletta have been able to take the strength of their own 28 year-old relationship and share it with their children. This couple does more than make it last, they endure and thrive.

 

Why She Loves Him: Pauletta has no problem dealing with the women that come after her man. She told Essence that it would be senseless to be upset with flirting women because Denzel comes home to her. She even takes the flirtation as a compliment. However, Pauletta knows that Denzel's appeal is more than his knee-weakening looks. He's amazing inside and out. Pauletta told Oprah, "I thought he was cute, but I fell in love with his spirit. And then I thought, 'Hmm, not a bad package.'"

 

Why He Loves Her: Pauletta's got the kind of confidence you can touch. When your man is voted by countless magazines, women and even some men as the sexiest man alive, you've got to be one of the most confident women alive. Pauletta is just that. Her confidence is as sexy as Denzel's demeanor and if it's one thing that Denzel loves, it's confidence. On an appearance at the Wendy Williams show, Pauletta explained, "I am so secure to who Pauletta is and my mother raised me in a way to know that who I am. She married me for who I am and I've always felt confident in who I am and it's by the grace of God."

 

Why They Work: Denzel says that love is a marathon and not a sprint. He prepared to put in the work and focus for a long-term love with Pauletta when the two were dating. These two also keep God at their relationship's center. Denzel said in an interview that spirituality is his life and it's reflected on his and his family's lives.  Denzel told The Washington Post that his family is the base that keeps him solid. He added, "Acting is just a way of making a living. Family is life. When you experience a child, you know that's life."

 

Why We Love Them: Denzel and Pauletta share a balanced relationship that boasts love, commitment and respect. They keep it simple. Denzel told Oprah, "When it comes to the kids, I give complete credit to my wife, Pauletta. Early on, we decided that we wouldn't drag them around to all the places I go. Pauletta was the consistent one who made breakfast every day and took them to school. She taught them their prayers." This consummate family unit totally makes us swoon.

Robert De Niro, Grace Hightower and my musings on the like.....

Am I the only one who wasn't aware of Robert De Niro's "preferences"?  Robert De Niro, a famous actor and native New Yorker, loves him some black women.  His first wife was an African-American actress and singer.  They divorced in 1988.  He then dated a model by the name of Toukie Smith, also African-American.  In 1997, he married his 2nd and current wife, Grace Hightower.  They have been married for 15 years.

 

  -->  -->

Anyway, this recent discovery had me thinking about interracial relationships and wondering how prevalent they really are.  Being the researcher that I am and hearing over the years how men prefer women of other races and how black women can't find a man because they are leaning towards white women and how black men feel that life would be easier (or is easier) if they date and marry whites......I decided to see how well those theories match with cold hard statistics. 

 

Contrary to what society would have you believe, only 10.8% of married Black American men had a non-Black spouse.  4.6% of married Black American women had a non-Black spouse.  It is true that the percentage goes up, based on education level, however it is only a marginal increase (2.5% difference).

 

It is also interesting to note that the percentage of African American men cohabiting with someone of another race is 5.5% higher than those that marry someone from another race.  So, it is more likely that an African American man will date and live with a woman of another race, but less likely that he will actually marry her.

 

In an answer to those men who feel that it is easier to be with women of other races, due to the "attitude" that black women have, it would be useful to note that the divorce rate among black men and non-black women, the divorce rate is twice the divorce rate of same-race married couples.  Surprisingly, when the roles are switched (black women marrying other races) their marriage is 44% less likely to end in divorce.*  So, my black sisters, it is definitely time for us to expand our horizons.

 

*Please note that these divorce rates are based on if the couple is still married by their 10th year of marriage.

 

On another note (and specifically for my dear friend Tammy's benefit), of all races, Indian Americans displayed the lowest rates of 'outmarriage' overall......so it's probably better to set your sights somewhere else. 

Below is a topic brought up at work about how/if demographics played a part in the most recent election.  I thought this post by one of my colleague's expressed my point of view, so thought I should share.  Who did you vote for and why?  What about the people you know?  Was it based on race, gender or religious affiliation?  Was it about values?  Was it about your income bracket (or anticipated income bracket)?  Weigh in.... 

Demographics, stereotypes and the American election

Shortly before the recent American election, my cousin, a Rabbi in Chicago, had a very uncomfortable conversation with her landlord.

 

"You're Jewish so you're voting for Romney too - right?"

At a loss for words, the most my cousin could manage back was "well... I'm a woman too - so I'm voting for Obama"

 

There has been a lot of press about how demographics played a key role in Obama's victory at the polls (along with his superior team of statisticians and a strong field organization).  The data is undeniable -  Obama had significant margins of victory among Black, Hispanic, Asian-American, Women, Young and LGB voters - who also  represented a greater percentage of the electorate than in previous elections.

 

I mean look at the pictures below - doesn't the crowd at the Democratic National Convention on the left just look more diverse than the crowd at the Republic National Convention on the right?

 

 

But in all this data and analysis - it's important to think back to my cousin's experience.  Reducing her political views to her gender or her religion is kind of insulting.  And while there are individuals out there who are "single-issue" voters based on their religion, gender or sexual orientation - most people vote for the candidate that best fits their values.  These values are very likely influenced by your cultural background - where you grew up, what your parents value, the opportunities you've been given, whom you tend to hang out with, how you treat and are treated by others.  But they are also uniquely yours - they are your story to tell - and not for others to assume.

 

Obama didn't win because of demographics.  He won (in part) because he created an inclusive narrative that allowed a plurality of individuals to see themselves and their stories in the picture, to feel like they fit in and to believe that they and those they care about are more likely to be better off in 4 years under his presidency.

 

And that's our challenge in Inclusion and Diversity - to move away from what Laura Liswood in The Loudest Duck (I second Catherine Hackworth's recommendation) calls the "Noah's Ark" mentality of counting people and toward a toolbox that allows us to be more comfortable, engaging and motivating with those who are different in a variety of dimensions.

The Death of Cash........or my musings on the topic

I just finished reading an article in the July 23^rd issue of Fortune Magazine on The Death of Cash.  It basically discusses all the new technology that allows you to use your phone to pay for things…..and how soon it will be possible to pay for something with never taking out your credit card, never taking out your phone and never taking out a dime to pay for it.  Correction: This is already possible.  The point of this article is that it will become an everyday occurrence, almost everywhere you go.

 

In this current credit and debit card age, I am one of the few people who rarely use my cards.  I have them, but I rarely use them.  The only time I do use my card is to a) buy something online b) make a huge purchase c) withdraw my spending money to last me until I receive my next paycheck.  Otherwise, I am a cash girl.

 

I have chosen to live this way purely for budgeting purposes.  When you use your credit/debit card, it's so easy to miscalculate and overspend.  When you use cash, what you have is what you have.  It's always in front of your face and within arm's length to spend and count what you have left over.  If I know I only want to spend $100 over the weekend.  I take the $100 and put it in the main compartment of my wallet and keep the remaining amount in a small, hidden pocket in my wallet (for emergency purposes, of course). 

 

As long as I'm alive, I can't ever see cash being dead in my book.  I don't care how convenient they make the new technology processes.  Unless…….

 

…..someone comes up with a tool that merges the convenience of not having/using cash with personal budgeting.  What if all of my money sits in one bank account and I can set up the max I want to spend at any given time period.  What if I can obtain the balance of my set amounts with a touch of a button on my cellphone & then get an update on how much I have left, every time I make a purchase……..and at the same time be able to make that purchase using that same cellphone…….which can, but doesn't have to leave my pocket to even make the purchase.  The technology to make the purchase exists.  Now, can someone add the budgeting element in?

 

Note: I dedicate this blog to my brother Oye, who is working hard to complete his degree in Mechanical Engineering.  If you can figure out how to make this, I'll help with the marketing and we can be part owners……Otherwise, I'll just put it out to the universe…..or maybe I'll  find a way to contact Jack Dorsey (look him up) and give him the idea.

Retirement: The Scary Numbers Behind The Soothing Lies

As always, someone at work brought up an interesting article/blog that they have read about one topic or another.  This one is about retirement (savings) and American's attitude towards it.

Given my personal experiences over the past few years, I have taken a personal (and somewhat scary) interest in this subject.

Why?

In 2009 (at the age of 55), my mom was diagnosed with a "slow growing" cancer that turned out to be not so slow and died not so shortly after.  I researched the best doctors and cancer facilities for this rare form of cancer she had, but due her limited insurance coverage & lack of funds, they wouldn't accept her into their facilities.  When she finally went on to heaven, less than 6 months later, there were no funds to bury her and give her a proper funeral, there were no funds to help maintain the lifestyle of her barely-legal baby boy, who had just graduated high school less than a month earlier.....and most importantly, there were no funds, while she was alive, to either supplement her insurance so that she could get better care and/or at least funds to allow her to live out the remainder of her life in a place where she was comfortable.

A year or so later, my grandma was diagnosed with cancer.  She was well beyond retirement age and was living off of her social security, struggling every month to make ends meet.  Thankfully when she got really sick (however much annoying it was, I also consider it a blessing and a testament to the type of person she is/was), she had more than one of her children fighting over which one of them she would stay with.  Her eldest living daughter got a bigger apartment and moved my grandma in.  Still, it was a struggle financially, but they were able to make it work.  When she passed (family selfishness aside), she had monies saved through insurance policies that were able to be used to pay for her funeral.....as well as a little extra that could've (note on could've) been used to supplement the rental costs of the home her eldest daughter had moved into in order to take care of her mother.

My dad has worked in sales most of his adult life.  He's good at it and has been able to make a pretty penny off of it for many years of his life.  Now, his health is dismal.  He has major heart issues that sometimes keeps him in the hospital for days at a time.  While I don't think his line of work allows for "paid" medical leave, I do believe that he was somewhat smart with his savings, so is able to maintain his bills.....despite it likely being a bit of a struggle and stretch.  At the current moment, he is deciding what the best decision, as far as retirement goes.  He has retirement savings put away, it's just a matter of if he wants to let it grow some more or start the process of withdrawals now.  If, God forbid, something happens, his wife (who is disabled from a car accident years ago) will at least have funds to pay for all of his funeral expenses and to live off of for some time.

Lastly, today marks the day that my mother-in-law will be released from the hospital/re-hab center (yay!).  Several years ago (before I even met my husband) she stopped working due to sickness related to her sickle cell anemia.  Some years after that (and I'd like to think I played a part in this), she was able to get on disability and subsequently get her own apartment.  A few years later, 1 1/2 years ago, she suffered a minor stroke, mainly due to improper eating and lack of exercise.  A few weeks ago, my husband went to visit his mom after work and drop off some waterproof pads (a whole other story).  When he arrived, he found her laying on the floor between the kitchen and the livingroom.  She had fallen...... three days earlier..... hence the hospital/re-hab admission and subsequent release.  In addition to the release date (which is a blessing!), today she will be staying with us until my husband can find a viable solution to her current living arrangement (living alone with only the occasional visits of her sons and other family members.....mainly my husband).  This is not conducive to her current health condition and cannot continue.  As it currently stands, there is only medicaid and a monthly disability check.  There are no savings or retirement money that can be used to make sure she gets the proper care needed.  She is basically at the mercy of the state (who may have programs to supplement the cost of elder care) and her medicaid (which can be used for limited coverage options).....and her children/family.

Living through all these situations make me very aware of how important savings (including & especially retirement savings) actually is.  While the money is set aside specifically for retirement, it can be used at any time and penalties can be avoided if the money is being used for purposes, such as sickness, education, your first home, birth of a new child, marriage, etc.  Also, it can also serve as an additional form of life insurance, if you die before your expected time.

Retirement: The Scary Numbers Behind The Soothing Lies

Submitted by Tyler Durden on 10/12/2012

The state of Americans' retirement accounts is dismal is how ConvergEx's Nick Colas begins his critically important-to-read note on the reality that millions face. According to an early 2012 study by the Employee Benefit Research Institute, Colas notes only 58% of us are currently saving money for retirement – and 60% of those that are have less than $25,000. Thirty percent have less than $1,000. Needless to say, it's a far cry from the 8x-10x final earnings suggested by most retirement planners. So why are we so far behind? Americans aren't exactly known for impressive savings habits, but that alone does not explain our poor preparation for retirement. Rather, a general lack of financial literacy, including basic understandings of savings growth and retirement income needs, superseding financial obligations, and basic behavioral finance biases keep us from putting cash away. But if we keep up at this pace, you can expect the ongoing political debate about Social Security to take on new and more strident tones.

Via Nick Colas (and Sarah Miller) of ConvergEx: Hope I Die Before I Get Old

Note From Nick: I don't remember anything about being 23.  Or 24.  Or…, well, you get the idea.  But understanding the financial decision making of this cohort is a useful exercise, especially when it comes to investing for retirement.  Happily, Sarah is in the thick of these decisions and is, in fact, 23.  It is pretty easy to see the long shadow of an important social problem from her narrative.  If you think the debate over Social Security is raging now, just wait a few years.  And now, over to Sarah…
I've been at ConvergEx for just over a year now, and I'm happy to say I've survived 12 months at my first job in the "real world" after college. I'd like to think I'm a bit smarter than I was when I walked in here last year. When I was given the employee handbook with all the options for healthcare, restaurant discounts, and pre-tax transportation contributions, I admit I had no idea what to choose. So I did what any 22-year-old Millennial child would have done: I called my parents. I figured my mother, who works in healthcare, and my father, the finance professional, would be the best advisors for these kinds of decisions.
After deciding on my options for healthcare and transportation, we finally came to the 401k – something I had certainly heard of, but never really confronted. At 22, retirement savings was nowhere near the top of my priority list; and having just moved into New York City, I was not keen to tuck away part of my paycheck that could have been redirected towards some other expense. After all, wouldn't that money serve me so much better as a new pair of boots than it would in some account? Part of me is still inclined to say "YES!". But knowing my parents probably knew more about this than I did, I followed their advice and put a whopping 1% of my paycheck towards the 401k.
Little did I know that only one year into my employment, at the age of 23, I would be farther ahead in my retirement savings plan than millions of American workers. According to a March 2012 survey by the Employee Benefit Research Institute for "retirement confidence", the majority of Americans are vastly underprepared for retirement, with very few savings or even none at all. A few key takeaways from the report, which can be found here:

• Only 58% of us are even saving for retirement in the first place. Of that group, 60% have less than $25,000 put away, not including home equity or defined benefit plans. Even worse, a full 30% have less than $1,000. A meager 10% have $250,000 or more. (For comparison's sake, a quick survey of different retirement advisors' websites showed that the average recommended savings is about 8x-10x final salary – by some estimates, around $1 million)
• While these low savings might be expected of the youngest age cohort, almost half (48%) of workers ages 45 and up have less than $25,000 saved.
• Savings rates and the amount saved are strongly positively correlated to education, income, and health status. 93% of those making more than $75,000 are saving, compared to 35% of those with and income of $35,000 or less.
• Only 38% of all American workers participate in an employer-sponsored retirement savings plan. That said, only 74% are offered this kind of plan. Of those that choose to participate (81%), savings and investments typically total at least $50,000.
• 34% of workers that had saved said they have had to dip into their savings to pay for everyday expenses. 22% of retirees claim they're taking more than they thought they would out of their accounts, depleting their savings even faster than they anticipated.
• Overall it's a pretty bleak picture. On the whole, Americans are hugely underprepared for retirement, leading quite a few of them (22%) to put off retirement to a later date, or not retire at all (7%).

But why the lack of preparation? Several complementary reasons might reveal the answer:

1. Lack of financial literacy. Americans on the whole are not versed in the ways of financial planning. A study by Lusardi and Mitchell in 2005 found that less than half of a sample of US adults 50 and older was able to answer simple questions about inflation and compounding interest. Another study, by McKensie and Liersch in 2011, showed that a majority of adults misunderstood savings growth: they expected it grew linearly rather than exponentially, therefore underestimating the potential return a small investment could have over several years. When exponential growth of savings was demonstrated, real employees chose to save more for retirement (see the study here). To top it all off, 34% of those surveyed by the EBRI estimated they needed less than $250,000 to retire.

It's plain correlation, here – the more you know about retirement planning, the more likely you are to do it. Most Americans don't even calculate how much they might need, leading them to grossly underestimate the costs. A good portion of them (79%, according to the EBRI) also think that Social Security will be a dependable source of income during retirement – much more so than retirees in the 20th century. While that may be true for the Baby Boomers, my generation can't bank on SS being there when we turn 65. Instead, it's important that we understand the importance of saving for retirement – or, more likely, the risks of not doing so.

2. Basic behavioral finance biases. Much like the typical stock market investor, retirement savers face several obstructions in the way of their savings goals. A short report from the 2010 Social Security Bulletin, found here, highlights a few of these.
"Ambiguity aversion" is rampant: investors don't trust products they don't understand. Given the lack of financial understanding of retirement accounts, then, it's not surprising that so many Americans shy away from them.
"Heuristics bias" is another classic behavioral finance term found in retirement savings literature. Even if we do choose to save, we may not follow the so-called "rules of thumb" that classical economics assumes in retirement accounts. For example, the traditional allocation shift from equity to bonds as one ages is assumed in classical finance, but according to a 2009 study by VanDerhei, quite a few older investors did not follow this "rule" and lost a significant portion of their savings in 2008.
"Hyperbolic discounting" is also to blame. This is the theory that we sacrifice long-term large gains for short-term immediate gains – we'd rather have an extra $20 in our pockets every month than in an account we don't touch. This will be a tough one for Americans – the chronic spenders – to overcome.

3. Superseding financial obligations or situation. From weekly groceries to college tuition, savers today are putting other financial obligations ahead of their retirement plans. According to the EBRI survey, 62% of workers consider their current level of debt to be a problem, and may choose to allocate more spending to paying down that debt than to saving for the future. Lower income households are especially prone to this problem: with less income to put away, fewer and fewer of them are saving (down to 35% in 2012 from 49% in 2009).

4. Options. While employer-sponsored retirement savings plans yield high participation rates and above-average savings, not all workers are fortunate enough to have this option. Defined contribution plans such as 401ks and IRAs have overtaken defined benefit plans in the private sector: according to a Department of Labor report from March (found here), a peak of 175,143 private pension plans existed in 1983. That number is now down to 47,137. And as various retirement account studies show, "opt-in" retirement accounts do not draw as many participants as "opt-out" – a clear explanation for Americans' under-preparedness. This has prompted a few researchers to suggest more active advertisement of plan options for those both with and without employer-sponsored plans to facilitate higher response rates from employees.
The public sector, meanwhile, is still in relatively good shape in terms of defined benefit plans. But while state and local public employees near retirement might expect a decent payout when they become retirees, plans may have to change for public sector employees in the future. Many states – California and Illinois  in particular come to mind – have started to consider changes to pension plans given massive cash shortfalls and, arguably, overestimation of growth potential in the pensions (to see a list of expected growth rates in public pension plans by state, see here). Some localities, such as San Diego, have already switched city workers over to defined contribution plans instead.

With these obstacles in place, it's not necessarily shocking that Americans are financially underprepared for retirement. More financial planning education, or at least a simple demonstration of the importance of saving, and clear options to all workers may help to better prepare us. But a close look at what we expect from our retirement plans – both in the public sector and the private – is essential, given a general misunderstanding of savings growth and payouts on both ends. It's up to individuals in the private sector to make our own changes, but public sector pensions face quite a host of litigation and regulation to push through.
Most of all, it's concerning that so many Americans seem to think Social Security is a dependable enough program to fund their retirement. The average payout for a retired worker in August was $1,235.63 – hardly enough to sustain oneself through several years of retirement. My generation will need to come to terms with the fact that by the time we retire, SS may simply not be around. But those who are approaching retirement in the near future need to understand – and plan on the fact – that Social Security cannot be their only source of income in their retirement years. They need to start saving, and fast.