The Life of a Full-Time Working Mom And Her Extreme Commute

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I'm from New York City and he is from the country bumpkin outskirts of Southern New Jersey.  When we married, the only logical thing to do was to find a home that would serve as a half-way point to our families and commutes to work (Check out my About Me page). 

We chose Central New Jersey.  His commute was 40 minutes each way.  My commute was approximately 2 hours each way.  Hardly a half way point, but we made it work.

Three years later, we had a baby girl and named her Selah.  She is one of God's greatest gifts to me and I knew that going back to work after the customary 3 months was not going to work for me.  So, I took 6 months off.  Then, I went back part-time.....for a month.  Then my typical weekday life began to play out like this:

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4:55am - I wake up, read a bible verse and commentary on my First 5 app and write my thoughts on the subject.

5:00am - I go to the bathroom, shower, brush my teeth, etc.  If I have time and if I remember, I will spend 5 minutes doing a quick 'swish and swash' to maintain the cleanliness of our bathroom.

5:30am - I get my clothes out and iron them and otherwise prepare myself to get dressed.

5:45am - Our darling Selah is usually up by now, so I let her sit on the potty for a while before washing her up and getting her dressed.

6:00am - I get dressed and prepare to leave.

6:15am - My alarm goes off.  That means I need to finish wrapping up any loose ends, kiss my family goodbye and head out the door.  I walk 1/2 mile to the bus.  I usually listen to a sermon podcast during my morning commute.  (TD Jakes, Joyce Meyer & Rick Warren are my favorites.)

6:35am - I catch the 606 to Hamilton Rail Station and wait for the train.

6:56am - I continue listening to my podcast, check emails, look at social media and sleep during my train ride into NYC.

7:15am - My husband drops our daughter off at daycare and then heads to work himself.  He changed jobs 6 months ago, so his commute is now about 20 minutes.

7:58am - Although the train is scheduled to arrive in New York Penn Station at 7:58am, it rarely does.  Either way, once I get off of the train, I walk approximately 2 miles to my job.  In extreme weather conditions, I catch the subway.

8:00am - My husband arrives at work and sends me a text to let me know he made it there safely.

8:20am - I arrive at work, text my husband, make my tea and then get to work!

12:30pm - I usually take a lunch break at this time.  My lunch break typically consists of running errands and then scarfing food down my throat while I work because my lunch break is over.  Sometimes I do the opposite.  I'll eat food at my desk while I work, then I'll leave the job and run errands during my lunch break.

5:00pm - I pack up my bags and I head home, starting with a 2 mile walk back to the NJ Transit Station.  I usually listen to an educational podcast during my commute home.  At the current time, my only exception is Serial.  Every other podcast I listen to is spiritual or educational in some way.

5:28pm - I catch my train home.  If I wasn't able to complete my work, I may pull out my laptop on the train.  Otherwise, I use this time to catch up on emails, social media and reading.  I always text my husband to let him know I'm on the train.

6:29pm - I arrive at Hamilton Station.  Either my husband picks me up (after picking up our daughter) and we ride home together or my husband picks up my daughter and starts dinner, while I catch the 6:58pm bus. 

6:45pm/7:15pm - If I catch the bus, I get home between 7:15pm and 7:30pm.  We eat dinner as a family as soon as I get in.

7:30pm - After dinner, I may spend 5 minutes clearing off plates and then I give the baby about 15 minutes to digest her food.

7:45pm - I run the bath water, bathe, lotion, dress, pray and put the baby to sleep.  Our target bed time is 8:00pm, but we run behind some weekdays and she goes to bed closer to 8:30pm (but rarely after 9pm).

8:30pm - I spend about 30 minutes straightening up (when I have the energy to do so) and then I have about an hour before it's time for me to wrap things up and get to bed.

10:00pm - This is my 'bed time.'  I read a scripture or lesson of some sort, say my prayers and hit the sack.

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So, as you can see, my weekdays are pretty jam packed.  In a typical week, I only get to spend 1-2 hours with my daughter on any given weekday (This excludes Wednesday, since I work from home on Wednesdays.)

When I think of those numbers, I feel a bit bad because it's hard to imagine how anyone could consider a way to balance work, life and motherhood with this type of schedule.  However, I make it work and this is how I do it.

• Much to my husband's dismay, I prioritize spending time with my family over cleaning the house.  I also prioritize spending time with my family over spending time with colleagues and friends, as well as pursuing time-consuming projects outside of the home. I also prioritize spending time with my family over the many beauty regimens I used to have pre-baby (ie. bi-weekly hair salon visits, which now only happen once a quarter).
• I cherish those early morning and before bed times with my precious little angel.  People may think that I'm extra because I massage her with lotion every night and hug and kiss and rock her after we say our prayers and before I put her in the crib.  Well, I don't care!  These are the memories you remember.  I still remember my mom laying between my sister and I every night when we were little kids and reciting the Lord's Prayer with us.
• I talk to her.  Every morning, I ask how her night was.  Every evening, I ask how her day in school was.  She's not able to fully articulate her responses yet, but she does respond.  She knows that mommy cares and mommy tries to incorporate herself in every aspect of her life.....including her dreams.
• The weekends are hers!  Yes, my husband and I have occasional date nights when we hire a babysitter, so that we can paint the town red.  Yes, we take full advantage when her day care offers Parent's Night Out events where they keep her until 9:30pm on a Friday night.  However, those are far and few between and rarely more than once a month.  On the weekends, we plan activities with her and we spend time at home with her.  We eat every meal together and we pray before every meal together.  We dance together and we laugh together.  We watch the same old Sesame Street clips together and we color together.

So, how do you balance being a full-time working woman (with an extreme commute) and motherhood?  You don't!  You take it one day at a time, you do everything unto God and you make sure that you prioritize the time you do have.

To be honest, I probably will cut my hours at some point or increase my work-from-home days in the near future.....especially if I have a second child.  One of the reasons I focus so much on personal finance is because I would love to be in a place where it wasn't about the money.  I would love to be in a place where I could take an even longer time from work of cut my hours to part-time (I probably would never be a stay-at-home mom, even if I could afford it.) and not have to worry about how we will pay our bills each month.  However, we are not there YET.  So for now, I juggle the best way I know how.

How about you?  How do you balance motherhood and working?  If you're not a working mom, how do you balance motherhood and other responsibilities?  Tips and ideas are always welcomed!

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This post is part of a blog hop where a group of bloggers are all sharing on similar topics (Working Mom, How to Balance). To find more inspiration, check out these awesome blogs:

Daily Momtivity (http://dailymomtivity.com)

The Buccio Clan (www.thebuccioclan.com)
Peaches and Pickles (www.peachesandpickles.org)
Simple at Home (Simpleathome.com)
Sara B Nash (http://www.sarabnash.com)
Craft Create Calm (http://www.craftcreatecalm.com)
Multitasking Mom (http://www.themultitaskingmomsite.net)
LedyLiz (http://ledyliz.com)
Home Maid Simple (http://homemadesimple.com)
Sweet Discord (http://www.sweetdiscord.com)
Smart Mom, Smart Ideas (http://smartmomsmartideas.com)
Misty Shaheen (http://mistyshaheen.com)

Suzi Whitford (http://www.startamomblog.com)

Angela Coleman Sherman (http://www.thenonhousewives.com)

Melissa Hunt (http://www.deuxbella.com)

When your back's against the wall, what do you do?

Welcome to This is me…..Then!  If you like what you see, subscribe here for free updates, or you can “like” my Facebook page here and receive new posts in your news stream.  Once you like my page, you can choose to see posts in your newsfeed first or receive a notification for each post made.  Thanks for visiting!  This post may contain affiliate links.

I was listening to a Dr. Laura podcast this morning (mentioned her in a previous blog) and a lady called because she found out that her husband had been involved in a 6-month affair. 

 

She became suspicious due to excessive text messaging and approached him about it. He denied it and said he and the lady were "just friends."  Upon further 'investigation' she presented him with cold, hard facts, at which point he admitted it and agreed to go to therapy. While in therapy, she also found out he had cheated on her while she was pregnant with their second child. 

 

Dr. Laura first had her take some responsibility for her part in possibly focusing too much on the children and not him. She also mentioned that the character of a man who would screw another woman while his wife is carrying his child is pretty much a low-life and that marital therapy can help to improve situational issues, but is pretty much useless in changing a person's character. 

Dr. Laura initially is leaning towards helping the lady gain the strength to leave the marriage, but clearly the wife is finding every excuse to excuse her husband's behavior.  The wife describes him as a good man who totally doesn't fit the profile of a 'bad man,' as he's nice to her and the children, is an otherwise good father and provides for the family. 

So, given this circumstance, what would you do?  If a friend had this issue, what advice would you give her?

Well, Dr. Laura gave this advice (paraphrased):

"You have 2 kids, don't have any others. You have 2 kids to raise and you want to keep it copacetic. Stop checking his emails and text messages and assume he's going to screw around...just ask him to at least not disrespect the home by bringing them to your house again. Just try to get along until the kids are grown and then you can make your decision.  For the sake of he's supporting the family and being good with the kids, you just smile and be the Stepford wife until the kids are grown."

 

As most people know, I have this new outlook on life and dealing with difficult relationships and situations.

1.    Maintain the status quo

2.    Ending the relationship

3.    Making the relationship better

 

How does this all fit into the advice given by Dr. Laura?  I believe she is suggesting that the lady choose option 1.  Why?

-Option 2 is clearly something the wife has a hard time coming to terms with.  While her husband is a lying cheat, he is a 'good' father and husband (although, in my opinion, the cheating makes him not so good).  He also is the main provider of the household.  If she leaves the relationship, not only will she possibly be struggling financially, she will have less time to spend mothering her children and the dad will end up either being an absentee father or she and her children will have to deal with visitations with dad and his new bimbo of the week (Dr. Laura's words, not mine).

-Option 3 is void if and when there is addiction, abuse or psychopathy involved.  In Dr. Laura's opinion, while some of the infidelity may be circumstantial, the fact that he cheated while she was pregnant and basically lived a double life until found out and lied about it until proof was given and tried to flip it on the wife to make it into her fault….but totally not fit the profile of this type of person…..is basically a psychopathy-like characteristic.  Although she wasn't able to meet him in order to provide a full diagnosis, she assumed for the purpose of the call that he fell into that category, so basically voided this option.

 

So, in some situations, is maintaining the status quo (even if it's not a good one) the best option?  I'm assuming that if the husband was outright cheating, bringing STDs and illegitimate children into the marriage or being abusive, then ending the relationship would be the only option.  However, since the affairs are discreet and the wife feels strongly about wanting her children to have a stable childhood……there are other options to make that happen.  Thoughts?  Questions?  Concerns?

* Dr. Laura Schlessinger is the incredibly popular and controversial psychotherapist who hosts a nationally syndicated, top-rated midday radio talk show. She is also an author who has written several books on relationships, moral and ethical issues.  Popular titles include:
The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands
Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives
How Could You Do That?!: Abdication of Character, Courage & Conscience
Surviving a Shark Attack (On Land): Overcoming Betrayal and Dealing with Revenge